Taking Dump Becomes Young Mother’s ‘Me Time’
(Brownsville, TX) – A young mother of two-year-old twins reports that her daily bowel movement is now the only time she gets alone anymore. Peggy Botham, 27, says [...]
Articles by Jonathan Donahue
Gene Simmons Wins Nobel Prize For Writing of ‘Christine Sixteen’
(Stockholm, Sweden) In what many are seeing as a long-overdue honor, Gene Simmons will be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his “towering contributions to humanity, [...]
Blair Witch, Redundant
Long, long ago, in the dark year of ’99, a new kind of horror movie was unleashed. With its pseudo-homemade, documentary-style appearance, The Blair Witch Project [...]
Madonna’s Massive Poop Pile
On August 16, 2016, Madonna will turn 58 years old. This means that she has been alive for 21, 170 days. With human beings defecating an average of once [...]
Trump to Ban Little Free Libraries
(Cleveland, OH) In a scathing assessment of the national economy, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump stated last night that his administration would, in an effort to [...]
Greek Festival Goes Silent As Minotaur Walks In
(Arlington, Ma.) An annual Greek festival in a Boston suburb grew tensely silent when an ancient nemesis unexpectedly walked in, causing some attendees to leave early in [...]
Hidden Key Slows Burglar Down Thirty Seconds
(Brookline, Ma.) A local serial burglar expressed awed dismay at having to search for a key to break in and rob a local apartment. “I had gotten a lead from a buddy of [...]
Tufted titmouse: Bird Species to Legally Change Name
(Washington, DC) – A common North American bird species has announced that it is seeking to legally change its name. The Tufted titmouse, a small, gray-blue member of the [...]
New York Library To Open Petting Zoo In Elegant Reading Room
(New York, New York)- In an astounding economic and public relations move, the New York Public Library has announced that it will open an on-site petting zoo later this [...]
Man Raises Waste Basket Aim To .393 Average
(Boston, Ma.) – A 28-year-old Boston man managed to raise his waste basket jump shot aim to a career high .393 over this past weekend. Mark Witherspoon, 28, of [...]
N.H. Police Shoot Chinchilla Down From Tree
(Crimson Neck, N.H.) – Police in a small New Hampshire town shot an escaped chinchilla down from a tree Monday afternoon, sparking outcry from animal rights [...]
How To Make Baseball A Little Less Sucky
Baseball season started again last week, the beginning of a long, 162-game slog over a six month period. Die-hard fans settle in to follow every little sub-plot of major [...]
Beautiful Woman’s Fart Traumatizes Friend
Boston, Ma. – Local after-work party girl Melanie Hanson experienced a life-changing event at popular watering hole The Crusty Crab this past Tuesday, when her [...]
Chick Flick Prep Sheet: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Let’s face it, guys: you owe her a chick flick once in awhile. You recently dragged her to Creed and The Hateful Eight, and in the more distant past put her through [...]