Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl. When I say once upon a time I mean way the fuck in the rearview. Beauty is defined by “whats inside” according to therapists and your local optimist , but we all know once your physical features you once relied start to fade confidence along with respect from peers is lost. This beautiful girl was a leader. Goal oriented. Powerful. With power you instill fear into people that believe they are less than. The success and the attention build up your ego and you feel untouchable. They forget to mention your head and your heart dont operate at the same speed . Sometimes you realize you’ve been destroyed while its happening and you give in to the destruction due to lack of faith. Other times it will take complete demolition in order for someone to realize they have just made the biggest mistake of their life. This girl imparticular made a fatal mistake and found herself losing her sense of reality because of how extreme her one little mistake turned out to be. Having given up on not only herself , but any sort of friendship or relationship making herself believe that any way out was impossible. Isolation took over due to embarrassment….and the constant”help me please” phone calls depleted. Soon there was no outside communication and it was just her and the monster she’d allowed control. No details necessary as to how bad things had prospered , but just know she was incapable of putting up any sort of a fight . Closing her eyes to walk past the mirror to avoid meeting eyes with yet another black and blue. Turning the pain into a twisted game just to avoid breaking. She was so close to her end and she only escaped on accident. Disgusted at the fact that she had allowed such hatred to fill the void in which she wanted love she continued the isolation alone. Who would believe her now? Loneliness sets in and we are yet again back to the isolation stage, this time she had become her own monster. Not knowing how to maneuver through the world without accusations and false comfort from an abuser your forced to set out on your own path with no guidance but your now beaten down mentality. At such a broken state nobody should be guiding themselves into “what they believe” is the next step of their lives. We choose to think we deserve less ignoring our strengths and fixating on the bruises. Self medicating and repeating the cycle in which brought her to the demon she escaped expecting a different result. For all those who don’t know that is the definition of insanity. The negative energy we project at weak moments tends to attract what we believe in the moment to be exciting and new. What we are actually experiencing is desperation and we ignore what we know is negative or unhealthy. We grasp at the first hand extended in our direction for fear that we don’t have the ability to build on our own. We mentally can’t build on our own. They tell you to heal and process. Those aren’t words someone who is pushing their support system away understand. We can tell you exactly what you need to hear just to get you to leave us alone . Much better at giving advice than taking knowing damn well the difference wrong and right but still choosing to dig a deeper hole. We deserve the hole. We have a made a home in the hole. Climbing out would only be possible if miracles or whomever destroyed you admitted there faults….which is unrealistic as shit and you have better luck teaching a goat to talk. There comes a point where it is easier to stay silent than ask for help from people who now are dissapointed. Having begged for help she is now on her own road filled with strangers and chaos . Some scenarios may be exciting and some will bring her back to the self harm she doesn’t realize shes inflicting. Whether your way of coping is being promiscuous or focusing on drugs or alcohol, cutting just to dull out the mental strain or discovering your interest in the criminal arts . Nobody is saying therapy or venting will ever benefit you, any change you make cannot be judged by another because growth comes in different packages and nobody is labeled. Nobody deserves to become accustomed or comfortable to pain just for fear of change. Not all will be bad , but all will be new.
Copyright © Philicia Ciriello
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