I use dry humor during sex and am heavily criticized for it

Why dry humor and sex mix…if you’re interested in sleeping on the couch.

I’ve been with the same person for about four years (a bit longer) now. If you’re familiar with my bloggings, I call her the female wife unit.

At the ripe old age of [30+], I have figured out that no longer going to the actual gym, but most certainly paying for it automatically out of my bank account every month, has slowly sunk me into Dad bod mode. Thus, sexual intercourse is taxing (on me), especially at a vigorous pace. Lots of sweating, being generally out of breath, etc.

Although, the ultimate goal is to not purchase any new clothing, for financial reasons of course. So, I can’t be any larger than a 32-34 waist, ever. So this practice keeps me from becoming the next guest on “My 600 pound life.”

No, I’m not quite gross yet. I mean I’ve dominated the Keto diet over the summer, lost about 30 pounds, and generally felt better about myself. Then come the Christmas time the slovenly, pastry-loving, egg nog drinking version of myself emerged from its hibernation, where anything and everything went in my body. It’s almost as if I were a Panda Express, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Taco Bell strip mall all in one convenient location.

During one of our more recent sex-capades, after completion (by me, not sure if she completed, probably didn’t) I was told that I was loved very much. To which I naturally responded, “you’re my only girl, and I love you too.” Then, after a moment of silence and sincere emotion (which made me severely uncomfortable), I decided to break the ice by saying, “well, I have another ‘only’ girl too, [the dog]. And off to the couch I slept for the night.

See, I can’t really bear down on emotion. I’m not a guy who likes silence. Nor am I someone who takes life particularly seriously. I’ve been told that my dry sense of humor and lack of emotional maturity is unbecoming of a man my age, so naturally I double down on acting like an ass whenever I see the opportunity.

Bottom line: don’t be like the Banana. Just don’t.

Also, I snore and should use a c-pap or whatever machine, but, to be honest, I don’t hear it. So that begs the question: do I REALLY need it?

About 49CentBanana (16 Articles)
Poor performing sports betting artist, writer of things only I find to be funny, owner of several failed businesses. Opinions are my own.

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