Shut the Fuck up about the Oscars and Lady Gaga

Does anyone care about what I did at work last week? No. So why should I be interested in watching actors on TV? #Oscars #AcademyAwards

Oh my dear Lord.

First of all, watching a bunch of already rich people, on television, receive more acclaim and arguably more money making opportunities from holding an Oscar in their hands is hands down the largest waste of time I can think of.

Granted, a lot of gambling has found its way into the Oscars night, which I can sign off on. I can’t legitimately say that I’d participate, or even perform well in such an event, but I condone any action that involves money being won or lost on any number of television events such as the Bachelor.

Second, the largest story of the night is Lady Gaga actively cucking Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend, Irina Valeryevna Shaykhlislamova, on television, right in front of her face as the silver screen couple played a duet whilst eye-fucking for every entertainment and popular culture publication to fawn over. The saving grace here is Lady gaga is a straight up 2/10 without her clown makeup, so if Bradley Cooper ever had the slightest inkling of leaving his 10/10 smoke job of a significant other for that diving board of a nose hack job pop artist…I’d be surprised.

For reference:



Third. If you’re moved by this slow song sob story of a movie, then good for you. But this type of shit doesn’t appeal to me. I’m the type of person who enjoys stuffing their sad and depressed emotions deep down into my stomach, pack it away in a locked suitcase, proceeding to throw it into the deep, dark ocean. I even take the second and necessary step to add a layer of protective Jack Daniels over said emotions, likely to have them churn back up decades from now in a moment of crisis. But that’s for future me to deal with. Present me can operate per the normal way of finding comedy in even the most sentimental and sad moments of my professional and personal life. Which gets me in trouble 100% of the time.


Side note: WHY ARE ALL ACTORS SIGNERS, AND ALL SINGERS ACTORS? I had no idea these “talents” were interchangeable. Also, they’re separate industries, so now these already ultra-rich super-humans have created the ability to dominate and/or make money in BOTH professions? What the actual fuck.

In closing, please don’t forget the brigade of beta males on the Twitter ready and willing to attack comments on women’s physical appearance, cause you gotta defend your position on being a soy-boy! Lady Gaga is empirically ugly. She is talented, but gross. Just stating facts.

So, cut the talk on, “Who won” the Oscars last night. No one cares. It’s literally most nauseating thing on the planet when someone comes up to me and comments on a celebrity’s relationship status, award reception, or “crazy” thing they did on social media. No one’s talking about the deal I closed last week at work, so why should I care about Brad Pitt attending Jennifer Aniston’s Birthday Party?


About 49CentBanana (16 Articles)
Poor performing sports betting artist, writer of things only I find to be funny, owner of several failed businesses. Opinions are my own.

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