So, many of you have probably been wondering where I’ve been. I mean the content is both so good and so riveting, that I understand your deep, deep depression regarding my random bailing. But no worries, I’m back.
After a prolonged disappearance from the content world, even if you have an audience of about 9, the egotistical psychopath inside of me signals that I need to “out” where I’ve been.
Reason #1: New position at work
Nope, haven’t been promoted, but, more incentive bonuses to come for me. Yay. Not really too pumped though. First off, no one has discussed the commission structure, and to be honest, that’s my fault. I generally don’t have the gaul to go up to the company President and openly discuss things like money with him. But we drink together, so, that’s fucked up. Anyway, the position involves a lot of US-based travel. Which, come to think of it, isn’t really for me. I mean, as a younger man, I was enamored with the idea of traveling the continental United States as a single man, going from city to city sticking my regular, average-sized meat missile in some floozie that I met at the bar. But, as a man with a family, that’s clearly out because I don’t play in the NBA. Bonus: I’m going to have to spend whatever extra money I earn for a babysitter. Kids are awesome!
Reason #2: Valentine’s Day
A lot of planning went into Thursday night. We had the kids for the first time in a while. Back in our hay-day of promiscuous sex and wild drinking, we’d go out and see (her idea) the first three “Fifty Shades” movies while my parents babysat. So, safe to say as a lazy human, this was a GOD SEND. I had solid dinner and movie plans for the first three years of our bullshit without having to do anything but dinner reservations and movie tickets. Come 2019, it was decided the kids are home, and we have a “nice” dinner together. She gets off work at 9. So, great, 9pm dinner means get ready for the heartburn. I made steak and creamed spinach and cheesy broccoli, LIKE A FUCKING BOSS, and promptly went to bed. Drank an entire bottle of wine to myself. I’m having another bottle now. Pictured below is an exact replica of my body.
Reason #3: Michael J. Fox
A family member recently found out that she had Parkinson’s disease, and I felt it appropriate to pay her a visit and see how everything was going. Spent two hours there. Spent the first three days prior to my visit speaking to various family members being told how I should “act.” Our family has a VERY preposterous way of going about our personal lives, aka, everything is a lie and make sure you don’t spill the beans about what’s actually going on. i.e.: don’t tell anyone I’m poor – My Mom.
Reason #4: Excessive Drinking
I decided that going to Hooters on Friday night was a grand idea. Side note: the absolute trash that now comprises the staff at any one particular location, and the attitude each one of these women “cops to” when you speak with them about anything is preposterous. Never mind how deeply they pay attention to the dumpster fire collection of tow truck drivers and general old man creep shows that frequent the place, but I can’t blame them. The tips must be unreal.
In any case, I ended up seeing actual KIDS (high school interns) that I worked with back in the day. They’re fucking 21 now, making me feel as if I’ve crossed over into the abyss of old dudes who officially have lost track of time. Makes me think back to the EXACT moment I looked into the mirror recently and went: “fuck me, I look exactly like my Dad.” What an earth shattering moment that was. He’s not a bad looking dude, it was just the egregious amount of wrinkles I had on my face.
Long story short, I drove home, absolutely pied, and off to bed I went. Mostly due to the deep depression I feel into because I felt so old. But hey, I get to travel, and go to Vegas a lot, right?
Reason #5: Babysitting Dogs is a curse
We babysat this past week (which ended today) a 2 year old bassador. That’s a basset hound and Labrador retriever. The dogs have BOUNDLESS energy, and for some reason, that means humping anything, male of female, at any time, no matter the consequence.
My entire week was spent looking at my own dogs drag their old asses back into their former youth, sloppily 69-ing around the house whilst knocking down expensive decor and ruining furniture while the wife unit looked the other way. This asshole dog wakes up at 6am, needs to pee at 2am, barks at the leaves blowing, and generally has zero table manners. His favorite hobby is stealing food off my 6 year old’s plate and making him cry. Awesome.
These things look so fucking stupid.