My neighbor told me to clean up my dog’s shit tonight

I’m not picking up my dog’s shit, and it’s only because you texted me to tell me to do it.

For those of you who may venture getting to know me, I have three dogs. Two Huskies and a pit bull/mastiff mix. Each one of them is what I like to call, “semi-retarded” and lack the basic skills of protection. Instead, they lick walls, windows, and bark at dust.

I am a huge fan of dogs. I grew up with an absolute UNIT of a German Shepherd, who was not the nicest animal on the planet. He once broke free from his lead in the driveway and massacred our neighbor’s stomach, requiring a visit to the ER. Now, those were the good ‘ol days (no libtards) where my father casually walked up to our neighbor, post ER visit, and threatened to burn his house down if so much as a hinted at sending legal action our way. Can’t do that today, no sir. A pack of liberals and attorneys would be gathering outside of your house calling for your entire life savings and the dog’s head on a stick.

Yes, three dogs produce about 2 shits each per day, totaling 6 shits per day in total, averaging about 42 piles of steamers each week. And, for some unknown reason, they shit DIRECTLY on the patio. We have an ACRE of grass to shit on, and it all ends up on the patio. This is an amazingly lazy group of asshole dogs. Suffice to say, the shit really does pile up. And I’m not cleaning it more than once a week. I refuse. It’s just another thing that I can’t deal with.

Caveat – my neighbor works for me. I can’t be an asshole to him. Also he’s my neighbor, so, don’t want to be a dick causing some type of irreparable relationship. Also I’m a pussy.

He texts me at 8:30pm and begins to enter into a drunken mis-spelled festival of how he’s been outside working on his car and he needs me to pick up the dog’s shit. He claims it smells.

Nice job. Neither of my kids are named Reagan. Not even close. Nor is my wife. Hot name for a female though. Gotta say. Nice side note that ALL, and I mean ALL my neighbors, at least 10 of them, have one or more dogs.

I’ve got a weird take on poop. And, if you can’t already tell, it’s a big part of my life. I refuse to pick up my dog’s shit during walks in the park, on someone’s lawn, or in a wooded area. I just refuse. These fucking dog shit bags were created to make me look like a moron. Carrying a fully grown mammal’s steaming hot turd in a bag as I stroll down the streets of the South Shore is psychotic. Shit exits the body for a reason, it’s not meant to be kept around. And my dogs don’t use toilets. It will biodegrade people. Get over it. I’m convinced this “movement” of liberal earth-saving bullshit is a cover-up scheme to make me purchase plastic bags (oh, I thought plastic was bad for the environment) and look like a shit head. See what I did there?

Yes, if it’s on pavement, I’ll clean it up. But, the outrageous claim that you can smell poop from your driveway that’s 50 yards away from my back patio while you “fix” your car is BALLSY (took him an hour and a half to fill up two tires). Also, the fact that you don’t have a license but you insist on fixing your car when it’s 30 degrees out on a DAY WHERE YOU CALLED OUT SICK FROM WORK is preposterous. Not dealing with a full deck here.

You’re fired.

About 49CentBanana (16 Articles)
Poor performing sports betting artist, writer of things only I find to be funny, owner of several failed businesses. Opinions are my own.

1 Comment on My neighbor told me to clean up my dog’s shit tonight

  1. fucking hilarious haha

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