Yes, the Banana is a Dad. Of two wonderful boys who I treat like best friends. However, the most important part about this story is that treating them like best friends means talking about childish humor, which is my strong suit.
No, I don’t go around asking them why they have such a small penis or calling them a faggot every 10 seconds, but, we’re embarking on the ten year journey of poop and fart jokes and how they’re the highest form of humor.
First off, at a young age, both children were taught the following:
- Poop/farts is/are funny, never allow anyone to tell you that it’s not
- Please, by all means, let ’em rip in school, in the store, or in public (generally speaking – not appropriate at funerals). Caveat – please be sure to blame it on someone else. Blame drop is key.
- Know your butthole: figure out how loud you can make the fart standing up at the correct angle, or ALWAYS try and find a hard surface to create the most reverb.
- Alert parents as to the consistency of your shit. “Mom, I just made a huge diarrhea” is my favorite line of all time. (Yelling while still on the toilet is key here).
- Phrases used to describe the shits taken should be encouraged such as: laying pipe, dropping the Huxtables off at the pool, log roll, and my personal favorite, “dumple-stilskin.”
Now, on the ride home last night, the 6 year old exclaims that he pooped in school for the very first time this year. I congratulated him for not smelling up my bathroom and asked how the wiping went. (Wiping was a problem for him, seems like he’s just not coordinated at times). He said the wiping was good, but the shit landed on the floor. It wasn’t an aiming problem, so much as it was an emergency. He just couldn’t make it. I responded that he did the right thing, and at least there was not an, “I shit my pants” call from the front office.
He kindly picked up the log with a towel and off it went into the toilet.
Second child chimes in and exclaims that the very same day, (they go to the same school) he found a shit floating in the bowl and flushed, to no avail. He wanted to be the Good Samaritan and dispose of said log, but it was just so massive. No toilet paper, no wipes. Just a log that wouldn’t cooperate.
Guess what? It was his brother’s shit. My younger has some olympic sized logs – and I’m not exaggerating. These things don’t go down. They need to be broken up with a fucking pencil or something. I laughed so hard on the drive home I almost cried and lost control of the car.
Bonus content: the entire family was in Khol’s one morning looking for God knows what. Older child tuned and said to me, “watch this” and proceeded to rip ass in the middle of a crowded section where people were shopping. It was audible. Like disturbingly loud. He then yelled out, “Momma, that’s so gross.” Their Mother immediately bolted from the section and turned beet red.