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The Sopranos | 20 years later

Twenty years later, I dive back into The Sopranos. Turns out, I’d like to get into illegal gambling. Call me.

First off, I was in High School when this show was in its prime, so, my parents weren’t about to pay an extra $20/month because we weren’t made of money. Second, I wasn’t into that shit then. It either had to make me laugh, or it was sports. Young teens just didn’t watch this shit, and there were virtually no streaming services in existence, yet. So get off my balls about being late to the party.

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Also, let’s cut right to the point. Streaming is amazing. I can watch anything, anytime, on my phone, while I fold mountains of laundry, or wash the seemingly endless piles of dishes that my entire family chooses to leave ALL over the fucking house. Plates in the bathroom? YUP! Mugs in the bathroom? YUP! What a disgusting bunch of pigs. I digress. I literally can’t do anything (besides vacuuming) without noise or a podcast. But if you choose to watch the Sopranos again, here are my suggestions: 

Tip #1: Fast forward through ALL of the psychologist/therapy scenes. 
This is a massive theme in the show. Tony Soprano begins seeing a therapist for his fainting spells, which, turn out to be caused by anger and repressed rage (and possibly salty, cured meats) over a number of different topics. Why fast forward? They’re LITERALLY verbal recaps of everything you’ve already watched – or shit that you’re about to see unfold. It’s total bullshit. There’s some weird sexual dynamic too between Dr. Melfi and Tony that I can’t understand. Seeing as she is a DISGUSTING 4 out of 10, I don’t care for it. (Lorranie Bracco is the actress – I’m sorry but no thanks).

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Tip #2: Tony’s sexual partners are unrealistically pleased in bed.
There’s no way in hell, even with the amount of perceived cash this man has, that ANY of the 20-something sexual partners this fat, greasy, meat-sucking slob are getting off; while he sticks his tiny Italian toothpick inside of them. The sheer weight of this man alone on top of most of these women would at best partially block their airways, restricting them from letting out such a ruckus moan. 

Note: the show has an amazing amount of unsolicited tits. Tony owns a strip club, tons of scenes are shot inside this place where the boulders are present and 100% fake. The nudity isn’t close to porno-quality, but it’s good for a few minutes to keep me interested.

Tip #3: If you hate heavy breathing during meals, just don’t watch the show. Ever.
It’s mostly Tony from what I’ve gathered, but the show features A FUCK TON of scenes in which he’s eating. I get it. All Italian men, including myself, love to eat. It’s like some family tradition to have a “sit down” meal as much as possible, but man, can these fuckers EAT. And to put the icing on the cake, the amount of LOUD, uncontrollable, unbearable nasal breathing is borderline comical.

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Tip #4: The amount of psychological problems ALL of these characters have, are completely unnecessary.
I for one absolutely HATE shows that deal with the deep, dark secrets of everyday life. Don’t get me wrong, the show deals with problems you most certainly would have if involved with the mob life. The sheer illegality of these problems and business dealings alone, coupled with the aspect of having a family whilst all of this bullshit is going on is mind-boggling. But, when I’m watching TV, I’m watching for the escape of my own bullshit, and the entertainment of it all. I’m not watching to feel worse. Just drop all this sensitive, emotional shit and keep it all in the dark, bottled up, like the rest of us.

So, those are my tips. Are they informative? Probably not. Does the cash that illegal dealings bring in seem attractive, even with all of the risks involved? Yes. Am I going to join the Mafia now? Absolutely. So, in closing, please join my small book of business. Bring cash. I’ll kill your bookmaker. Patriots by 3.

@49centbanana on Twitter

@49CentBanana on Instagram

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About 49CentBanana (8 Articles)
Poor performing sports betting artist, writer of things only I find to be funny, owner of several failed businesses. Opinions are my own.

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