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Packie Posts

Fornite is the World’s Biggest Game, and it has a Massive Hidden Problem

Image property of Epic Games.

Cary, North Carolina –  Inside of the sleek modern office building that the developers at Epic Games refer to as home, the creators behind the smash hit free online video game Fortnite: Battle Royale work diligently in order to satisfy their exponentially growing player-base. Fornite’s surging popularity has expanded well beyond the social recognition of a household name, and jettisoned to the point where it’s top streamers are earning hundreds of thousands of dollars,  professional athletes are frequently acting out various Fornite “emotes” and dances while on the job much to the amusement of their fans, and celebrities like Drake have enthusiastically opened up about their passionate fixation for chasing the legendary and elusive Battle Royale victory. Everything seems to be going in Fornite’s favor, except for one glaring problem…

BATTERIES! This game eats batteries like Takeru Kobayashi takes down hot dogs. Speaking of hot-dogs, when discussing the problem of Fortnite’s battery consumption, I feel like I am a three-day-old hot dog at a 7/11; I’m only just starting to get warmed up. When searching for the reason why Fornite causes absurd levels of battery draining it doesn’t take long to realize that this happened because almost everything you do causes the controller to vibrate. If you jump, the controller vibrates. If you shoot, the controller vibrates. If you harvest resources, the controller vibrates. If you open a chest, the controller vibrates. I wouldn’t be surprised if Duracell and Epic have a secret agreement behind the scenes, given how many batteries are purchased due to Fortnite. The Packie took to the streets of Boston in order to hear firsthand about the implications of Fornite’s problem. We first sat down with Chuck, a small business owner, who has been running several of his own convenient stores for the past 25 years if he has noticed an uptick in business.

The Packie: You have been running convenient stores for over two decades, have you noticed any changes that might be the result of the popular video game Fortnite?

Chuck: Well, I didn’t know what Fornite was until a couple of weeks ago. These kids kept coming in to buy batteries every… single… week. I eventually became suspicious, as you have got to wonder what on earth it is that these kids could be doing with so many batteries. Are they using them to get high? Well, I wanted to know, so I asked one of the boys, whose name I will not mention — what the heck he was doing with all of those batteries. I started to become a little bit concerned when I noticed that he started using nickels and pennies to purchase them, as it seemed like the boy was experiencing the desperate compulsions of addiction. It turns out it was all fine and dandy; the boy was using them to play Xbox.

The Packie: That’s wonderful. I bet you were very happy to know that this young man wasn’t headed down the wrong, and long road of addiction.

Chuck: Seriously. I would hate to lose a customer. He wasn’t even old enough to buy cigarettes, which we just so happen to have the lowest legal prices in the state for.

The Packie: That’s a very interesting perspective that you brought to the table today. Thank you for your time Chuck, it was truly a pleasure.

Chuck: Anytime, Guy. Feel free to stop over here whenever you’re in Boston.

The Packie felt that it’s reader were entitled to a broader perspective on this subject, so we returned to the streets; this time with the primary objective of speaking with someone on the other side of the battery battle: a player. During our search for the answers, we came across Tom, a Massachusetts resident from the North Shore. He spoke briefly with our crew about how Fornite has impacted his personal life.

The Packie: So, what’s it like playing the wildly addicting game known as Fornite?

Tom:  It’s better than PUBG, Ha!

The Packie: On a serious note, have you noticed a dramatic decrease in the longevity of your controller’s batteries?

Tom: All the time. It’s cost me everything — even the shirt on my back. If things don’t get better soon I’m shipping Duracell a kidney. I’ve already traded all of my meth for batteries. I’ve got no more rocks left. My controller doesn’t have a charger, so there’s no telling what happens to guys like me.

Unfortunately, Tom declined to dedicate further time to the interview.

Either way, a recent Packie poll of Fortnite players demonstratedly shows that a majority of Americans believe that it’s almost indisputable that the second hottest commodity in the world right now is quality AA batteries.

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