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Packie Posts

Rating the Rocky Montages by Cleanliness: Part 2

Hey all. Back for another round of Rocky ratings (say that 5 times fast, but say it in Sylvester Stallone’s voice. Takes a number on your jaw).

Let’s dig right in and start with Rocky III. Here Rocky is training with Apollo. Once his enemy, and now his dear friend, they put aside their differences, and put on their short shorts and tank tops.

Rocky III

  • Running on the beach is super gross: from the plankton to the seagulls, it’s infecting Rocky’s steps. It might also be that “Jungle Junk” music
  • Having a cigar while training isn’t very cool. Certainly not the most hygienic
  • Those short shorts aren’t doing any of Rocky’s swimmers a favor. Although his thighs are glistening like cheese of a Philly Cheese Stake
  • Rocky tosses his, not Apollo, friend into the pool. It isn’t dirty because pools are usually clean but it does dirty up their friendship. The things Rocky does for a win

On a scale from a cup of soup, to a sandwich, I’ll give this a bagel

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You could schmear friendship on this.

Rocky IV

So this is kinda it: the pinnacle of all things Rocky. All wrapped up in one fist pumping, dick measuring film. All of America’s love will explode to the sight of the red, white, and blues he’ll be wearing. The damn Reds won’t know what will hit them. Except of course when they kill one of our own (RIP Apollo). So because there are two montages, there will be twice the fun, and twice the abs

Rocky IV 1st Montage

  • That gym that Ivan Drago is using is so damn clean. It looks like it’s been bathed by Mr. Clean himself. It glistens like Rocky’s thighs in Rocky III.
  • Chasing Rocky in a car is super dirty: gonna get some black snow
  • Pretty dirty having him lift in a barn. Who knows what the horses have been doing there.
  • He’s just working out in sweats again. Probably the same sweats from Rocky I. Who knows if they’ve been washed

On a scale from a pencil to a quill, I’m giving this montage a marker

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Permanent like Stallone’s locked jaw

Enter in Adrian. Somehow making a difference in his training by watching him…I guess. She is basically glaring at him while he’s dressed down to a muscle T and dressed up to a goatee.

Rocky IV 2nd Montage

  • Drago’s steroids are busted out. Injection in the thigh. It’s the beginning of the end for his mandhood
  • Rocky is still in that damn. Mucking up all that dirt from chicken.
  • I’m sure Rocky is eating whatever is leftover form the barn animals. His colon is not happy and probably dirty
  • Crumpling up that picture of Drago might cause a paper cut. And you that Rocky has sensitive skin!!

On a scale from a jean jacket to a smoking jacket, I give this montage a Hawaiian shirt

 

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It’s only ugly if you decided to use your eyes today

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