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Packie Posts

Santa lookalike busted for selling cocaine.

Say it ain’t so Santa! 😦 No worries kids, it’s just a lookalike. A man resembling Santa Claus who has six outstanding warrants for selling cocaine, was finally arrested Tuesday in Florida.

The man really does look like Santa! Maybe this is a conspiracy and authorities just don’t want to disappoint all the children of the world. After all, Santa must go someplace for vacation. It certainly wouldn’t be someplace cold. Plus, sometimes when you travel, you like to take something from home with you. Since real snow isn’t an option, he just thought he would pack some blow. Santa is also a very giving individual. It wouldn’t shock me if he decided to help out some of the locals by distributing some of it. (source)

I wouldn’t judge him. With increasing demand, he needs to make more money somehow to keep his toy factory open. If not, he might auction off a reindeer, or start selling ad space on the side of his sleigh to corporations. That can’t happen!

Everybody needs to chip in. I wonder what Mrs. Claus is doing for her part. I doubt she is sitting in a rocking chair knitting a sweater by a fireplace at the North Pole. I don’t think she’d stray too far away from her husband though. She’s probably a brothel madam a few towns over. The stupid elves are probably left up north to take care of the reindeer with a select few of them auditioning for bit parts in film & TV. Indeed, these are fucked up times we live in.

Follow on Twitter @whirlwindreport

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-Adam Mallett

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