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Drunk Movie Review/ Synopsis – 50 Shades of Grey. Part 2

Welcome to part 2. If you’re just joining in, I had to split up this review/ synopsis because there is just too much wrong with this movie for a single entry. I also ran out of the booze I would need to get through it. It’s just horrible. If you would like to read part 1, click this link. Spoilers obviously.

Anyway, where was I. They get off the elevator after a brief make out session. He takes her home where her roommate and Christian’s brother are having classy couch sex. Later on, Christian takes Anastasia on a magical helicopter ride around Seattle to his condo. Anastasia actually asks if he is going to make love to her. Christian then explains that he doesn’t make love. He “fucks hard”. For some reason, when I think of this moment, I envision him talking like a caveman and speaking in third person.”Christian fuck hard”. Then he thrusts his groin into the air like it’s some sort of celebratory touchdown dance. Anyway, he shows her his red room. It has a various assortment of chains, whips, floggers, & ropes. Now it’s a party.  Christian explains that he isn’t a sadist, but a dominant.  He enjoys doing sexual things to women with their consent. He also shows Anastasia the room she would be staying in Friday thru Sunday and that he won’t be sleeping in the same bed with her. No sex during the weekday? What a bummer.

thrust

Oh yaaa! Christian fuck hard. You like dat?

Anastasia is taken slightly aback by this, but if staring down her co-worker, putting his hands on her face when she barely knows him, almost assaulting her friend Jose, knowing where she is without asking, & undressing her while she is unconscious doesn’t scare her off, it’s safe to say nothing will! Christian then talks about how men must be wanting her all the time. She tells him she’s a virgin. Actually, not only is she a virgin, but she hasn’t done  anything. I’m calling total bullshit on this. At this moment, Christian must be thinking he hit the lottery. I’m pouring myself a shot. No, screw the shot. I’m just going to drink directly from the bottle. Christian picks her up and brings her into his bedroom. Ok, I’m in no way thinking this movie should be realistic, but I have my limits for how much I can take.

Finally this movie has some sex in it. It’s about time! I was beginning to wonder if I was somehow watching a version that was edited for network television. Wait a second! I thought “Christian fuck hard”? This looks like gentle love making to me. After all that, maybe he truly is a sweetheart. Nope, more creepy shit. Later on that night, Anastasia wakes up to the sound of Christian playing depressing piano music in the living room. Christ, was she that bad in bed Christian?  If so, he should have made up some lyrics to his music implying she should leave. “I called you an Uber. Wished the sun arose sooner”. That doesn’t happen though. We still have plenty more to cover.

The next morning they are about to have sex again, but Christian’s adoptive mother barges in. Christian goes downstairs to talk to her. After a few minutes, Anastasia pops out to say hello. Anastasia what the hell are you doing? Oh, I get it. He just punched her ‘V’card. Now she automatically thinks Christian is her boyfriend & she should introduce herself to his mom. Wow, mentally she really is 16. This isn’t weird at all. Regardless, his mom seems happy to meet her.

meetmom

Hi Mrs Grey. I’m in a sexual contract negotiation with your son and he just took my virginity. Thought I would come out and say hello.

After his mom’s brief appearance, Ana and Christian have another brief discussion about the sleeping arrangements. She thinks they should sleep in the same bed like normal people, but Christian refuses.

Anastasia & Christian go for a little walk though the woods. Is he finally planning on killing her? Christian tells her that his first sexual experience was with his adoptive mom’s friend when he was 15. She was also a dominant. Wow, that’s messed up. Not only is that crazy bitch having sex with minors, but she is tying them up and whipping them? It doesn’t matter how you look at it folks, that’s a fucking pedophile! She should be locked up. Christian tells Anastasia that he still talks to her. Even Anastasia realizes this is twisted.

Anastasia takes home Christian’s kinky contract for review. Once home, she discovers that Christian sent her a new laptop. My advice, take that thing to a Best Buy and have it checked out for everything & anything first! Anastasia goes through the contract. After a few cut scenes of her moving and doing ordinary things she emails Christian. “It was nice knowing you”. Again, Ana shows signs of brain activity. Suddenly, Christian scares the shit out of her by letting himself into her place and walking directly into her room with a bottle of champagne as she is putting away laundry. I guess we can add breaking an entering and trespassing onto the growing list of things that Christian Grey has accomplished. Seriously, if this were reality, this guy would have a restraining order put on him already. Christian wasn’t happy with Ana’s rejection email, so he wanted to remind her what it’s like to be with him. He tosses her into bed & asks if this is what she wants. She nods like an idiot as he ties her arms up. They have more sexy time. Afterwards, she tells Christian that she hasn’t made up her mind about the contract. I thought she rejected him? I guess when you break an entering and tie someone up, it’s still game on?

Ana has a business meeting with Christian to discuss the contract and what she would like removed from it. Sadly, fisting & genital clamps didn’t make the cut. She asked him what butt plugs are. Don’t play stupid Anastasia. We know you googled this shit. Christian is so impressed with her dedication that he decides to throw her a bone by offering one date a week. Wow, what a guy! He’s willing to act normal once a week. Sounds like a catch to me. Ana tells Christian that she will go home and review the contract changes. Why does she need to do this?  She knows what changes are being made. If anything, doesn’t he need to revise & generate a new contract due to all the cross outs? Christian then tells Anastasia that he wants to fuck her right now. He could sound a little more enthused. Anastasia resists, but Christian mentions how her body is telling him otherwise.

maxresdefault

She must be honry. No way you could ever look flushed in a room lit red.

Christian points out that her breathing is changing and she is starting to look flushed. I literally just exploded into laughter when he gave this gem of a speech. Yes, these things are indications. However, they’re sitting at opposite ends of a long table. Unless she was a morbidly obese person who just walked up ten flights of stairs, or was sitting next to him, it would be impossible to detect this. Is he reading her bio rhythms? Is Christian a Terminator!? It would certainly make sense with his lack of personality and mono tone. I’ll let this slide though. What I can’t let pass is the comment about her looking flushed. Dude, your conference room is lit fucking red! He goes on to say a bit more, but even Anastasia must have thought this was a corny pickup move. She leaves with what little dignity she has left.

It’s graduation day. Ana’s dad made it and said he wouldn’t miss it for the world. Tell that to her mom, who missed it simply due to her current husbands broken foot. Christian gives a speech, meets her dad and poses for a photo with Ana for the newspaper. They then go back to her place where he gives her a new car. How about a new phone? I’ll admit, I have a soft spot for old school flip phones, but god damn! He then spanks her, but then needs to run back off to work. Ana calls her mom sobbing. Her mom then tells her to come visit her in Georgia to relax.

Ana shows up at Christian’s place the next day. The photo taken of them at graduation is now in the newspaper. Christian thinks it’s a good photo. I can assure you, it’s not! Time for another sex scene. Afterwards, it’s time to get dressed for dinner with Christian’s family. Nothing like some good BDSM before going to see the folks. The conversation at the dinner table is typical small talk conversation. Ana’s friend Kate is also present. I guess her relationship with Christian’s brother is doing quite well. Christian gets noticeably frustrated when Kate mentions Jose and when Ana mentions that she will soon be visiting her mom in Georgia. They go for a walk to discuss. This turns into another conversation where Anastasia voices her frustration about not sleeping in the same bed together. I’ve had enough of this. Yes, the sleeping arrangements (along with many other things) would probably annoy most women and make them feel like a whore, but do they really need to have this same conversation about the sleeping arrangements over and over again. I think this is the third time she has brought it up now. Seriously, if you don’t like it, just leave him!!! Ana just wants to touch him and wants to know why he is trying to change her. He then says a predictable eye rolling line about how it’s her changing him. Later that night, Christian tells Ana how his birth mom was a crack addict and prostitute. It’s all coming together now. She was sleeping though. I guess this is his way of starting to open up.

Ana goes to Georgia to visit her mom. We meet her husband Bill. Let’s see that broken foot Bill! Sorry I’m so hung up on this plot detail. I’m not even sure if this was in the book or just the movie, but the writer or writers really couldn’t think of a better reason for her not to go to her daughters college graduation? It’s such a dumb plot point to have in a story. Parents always have dumb excuses in films. It’s like my Karate Kid III review/ synopsis. In that film, I explain how Daniel’s mom couldn’t find a way to tell him that he wouldn’t have a home when he came back from Asia because the apartment complex was sold and demolished. He finds out when he comes home & has to call her collect.

Sorry, didn’t meant to get too off track. Anyway, while relaxing with mom over drinks at a lounge, creepy Christian somehow hunts her down again. What a surprise. Ana’s mom is impressed when he orders a fancy drink. Christian takes Ana away for the day. They go for a glider ride. Christian then leaves on urgent business.

christiangrey

I’ll always find you Ana!

Ana comes back from Georgia & goes to Christian’s place. Christian is trying to sound like a cool hard ass by yelling at someone on the phone. We get another sex scene. Afterwards, Christian is playing more depressing piano music. Anastasia wonders why everything he plays is so damn sad. She asks him more deep personal questions that Christian doesn’t want to answer. Christian says he is 50 shades of fucked up and how he feels the need to punish her. Anastasia says she wants to see the worst he can do so she can understand. She should just take his word for it. Christian whips Anastasia in the ass and makes her count. Anastasia is finally disturbed by this. Oh, now she’s disturbed? That’s the final straw? She asked though! Anastasia tells him she has fallen in love with him, but it looks like she isn’t sticking around anymore. She gets in the elevator. The End!

This movie actually taught me a lesson. It taught me that if you’re rich & spoil women with cars, helicopter rides, glider rides, & laptops, it can make up for the fact that you act like a complete nutcase. The effect is only temporary though. Eventually the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

Hope you enjoyed folks. Also, I recently got slipped a bootleg HD copy of 50 Shades Darker. I’m not sure if I’m up for it, but we’ll see. After all, how much worse can it really get?

Overall Score 2/10

Pros

+ the horrible dialogue is hilarious at times.

+ hard R rated nudity

Con

– zero on screen chemistry

-bad dialogue

– Christian is just creepy.

-Asks me to suspend my disbelief way too much!

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-Adam Mallett

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