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Packie Posts

Five of the worst comic book characters that will never get a movie or show.

DC and Marvel movies are all over the place & making a fortune at the box office these days. Many of these iconic characters are recognized all over the world. That doesn’t mean they’re all winners though. Some would rather be forgotten. These are some worst characters that will hopefully never get a movie or show.

 

mattereat.jpgCharacter: Matter Eater Lad
Universe: DC
Powers: He eats matter.

The name pretty much says it all. This guy can eat anything. Apparently, he was blasted with a super ray that made him overweight, but the effects were reversed. Yup, that’s it. Other than the fact that you can’t really confine him & he probably takes massive shits, he’s pretty much useless. He sounds more like he belongs at a circus & not part of a superhero team.

 

hindsightCharacter: Hindsight Lad
Universe: Marvel
Powers: None

I’m not including most of the people on this list because they don’t have powers. Hell, Batman doesn’t have superpowers, but Batman is a rich billionaire with kickass gadgets. So what does this guy have going for him you might ask. I’m going to just take directly from his character bio. He’s good at “assessing events that had already occurred, analyzing in hindsight how events could have played out if different actions were taken“. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. If this guy was on my superhero team…No, fuck that! He wouldn’t be! It would irritate the hell out of me. If you’re going to just asses events AFTER they occur then analyze how it could have played out differently, you mine as well be named Captain Obvious. This guy is without a doubt one of the worst. Even South Park made a parody of this guy.

 

dogweldCharacter: Dogwelder
Universe: DC
Powers: It’s more like a psychotic skill. He is awesome at welding dogs to people.

Yes, I said welding dogs. He’s a guy who is possibly disturbed. (ya think?) He hides behind a welding mask & never talks. I can’t possibly say anything more ridiculous & disturbingly hilarious than his character description. His “methods are that he seems to live in an alley, he sets traps for stray animals, has a supply of dead dogs (perhaps just puppies) and he fights evil by pouncing upon evildoers and welding a dog to their face”. Unless DC starts making horror flicks, I don’t think we’ll be seeing Dogwelder anytime soon. Besides, PETA would throw a shit fit if this character ever saw the light of day again. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the character or the type of people that actually approved the creation of him. How do you actually get DC to buy into this?

 

defenseCharacter: Defenestrator
Universe: DC
Powers: None

Defenstrator is a strong dude who carries around a window that he throws people through. I almost want to read some of the comics that he has been featured in just so I can understand this better. Does he have an issue where he goes an orders a bunch of these in bulk? If so, that company probably makes a fortune off this guy. Why windows? It doesn’t seem very convenient.  One thing is for sure, this is a stupid idea.

 

codpieceCharacter: Codpiece
Universe: DC
Powers: No powers. However, he is a skilled engineer.

I’m starting see a pattern emerge with DC. They have some creative character ideas, but really miss the mark sometimes. If you don’t know, let me first give you the definition of the word “Codpiece” It’s “a pouch, especially a conspicuous and decorative one, attached to a man’s breeches or close-fitting hose to cover the genitals, worn in the 15th and 16th centuries”. I think you have an idea where this is going.

When a man feels insecure about the size of his junk, he might go out and buy an expensive sports car. Codpiece decided to build a power suit equipped with a massive groin cannon that utilized many different weapons & tools. This must be one of the must insecure characters in comic book history. Supposedly, his insecurity started when he was rejected by a popular girl in High School due to his height. However, he took that as an insult to his genitals.

These are just five of many comic book  creations that make me wonder how much cocaine was being passed around the office on the particular day these guys were created.  I should have a second installment soon.

-Adam Mallett

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