(Stockholm, Sweden) In what many are seeing as a long-overdue honor, Gene Simmons will be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his “towering contributions to humanity, particularly the writing of Christine Sixteen.” Simmons has been self-assuredly offering himself as a candidate for this most prestigious of all human awards for many years, and is finally having his greatness validated.
Reached at his Los Angeles home, the legendary KISS bassist and songwriter had much to say on the subject. “My superiority to others has been obvious now for decades. I always knew that eventually the world would catch up to me and bow their heads. I mean, think about it: forty-five years ago I helped found a rock band in which we wore lurid make-up and outlandish costumes. On stage I breathed fire and spit up blood –totally my idea. I had sex with thousands and thousands of women in the process. Really, other people just dream of these things; I go and do them. I have given so much to our species”.
Of particular significance was Simmons’ penning of Christine Sixteen, a minor 1977 hit about a grown man hanging around the schoolyard and falling for a 16-year-old as she leaves for the day.
“This was totally innovative. No one else had the balls to write something like that. I’m the one who made such confessions possible.” said Simmons. “Listen, we all need to be more honest. My wife asked me just last week why men my age still drool over 18-year-olds, and I told her it’s because the 16-year-olds aren’t legal. Christine Sixteen provided a safe fantasy outlet for men worldwide, and was also a profound influence on teenage boys. Sexism is alive and well, and I’m so proud to be a part of it”.
When asked about his future plans, Simmons added: “I’ve spent decades forcing the world to suck my dick. Really, there’s nothing else I need to do. We have KISS toilet paper, KISS caskets, KISS vibrators. I can walk about with complete and utter pride every day of my life, knowing that I created all this. Very few people have offered the world so much. Even Einstein never had his own brand. I think I will spend the rest of my life rubbing my success in people’s faces”
Simmons will perform an A cappella version of Christine Sixteen at the Nobel awards later this month.