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Drunk Movie Review / Synopsis / Mapping: Ferris Buellers Day Off!

It has been about 5 years since I watched this John Hughes 80’s classic. It’s also been a while since I got wrecked. That being said, I figured it was a good time to put the two together and do another drunk movie review/ synopsis. This one will be a bit different. We all know Ferris and his friends do a bunch of activities in the city together. I have always wondered if it was possible to do everything they do with the amount of time they have. I highly doubt it is! In order to make this day seem plausible, I am going to try & estimate the ETA’s to each destination. (using google) Also, I realize the clocks in this movie seem to be wrong. So, I am pretending those just don’t exist. This is how it would need to be done.  Let the review/synopsis/ mapping begin!

It’s a school day and Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) is in bed and faking sick. His parents tell him to rest and stay home from school. His stupid sister Jeannie (Jennifer Grey) knows he is full of shit. She just winked at him in a way that no sister should wink at a brother. On a side note, I’m pretty sure these two dated for a short period of time and accidentally killed someone as they were joy riding together in a car. I’m not kidding. Google it. The parents leave for work. Jeannie leaves for school. Ferris rises from bed and explains how its such a gorgeous day. Fuck school! He breaks the fourth wall (I don’t mean that in a literal sense) and talks to the camera giving us all tips on how to fake sick. His tips suck. I actually did lick my palms for clammy hands once. It didn’t fucking work! I forgot to take into account that my parents weren’t push overs like Tom & Katie Bueller. “Oh, your hands are cold and clammy? So what. Your legs still work. Your going to school!” Ferris continues to talk to the camera to demonstrate that he is super cool.

Ferris has a bit of an obstacle. Since he doesn’t have a car, he needs to use his loser friend and lure him out of bed. Cameron is a depressing character. He reminds me of a live version of Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh. If this was 2016, a person like Cameron would be diagnosed with depression and given some fancy medications for it. This is 1986 though. Maybe “sick” was what they called depression then.

Mr. Rooney calls Mrs. Bueller at her work to discuss Ferris’s shitty attendance record. As Mr. Rooney is explaining that Ferris has missed 9 days of school, he witnesses the number slowly drop on the computer screen from 9 to 2. I guess Ferris is also a hacker capable of getting into the schools servers to adjust his attendance record?  Was that even possible in 1986? Whatever, I’ll let it slide.

9times

So, if Ferris can hack this, that means it’s online. Wow, impressive for 1986.

For some reason, Ferris also feels the need to entertain the freshman of the school by talking to a few of them on the payphone and make them believe he is dying. What a shit bag. Who does that? In life, you can joke about many things. Dying shouldn’t be one of them.

Ferris starts to get impatient and calls Cameron. He explains how if he doesn’t get over to his place soon, he can find a new best friend. Ferris really is a dick. First he is telling people he is dying and people are actually starting to rally & by into it, now he is making threats to his best friend because he needs his car. Go get your own car dipshit! Why not make money with you super hacking skills and charge students money to fix their school records? That’s an idea! Cameron sits in his car conflicted about going to the Bueller residence. He gives in though.

Meanwhile, Ferris’s girlfriend Sloan Peterson (Mia Sarah) is about to get bailed out of school with some “bad news.” She is notified that her grandmother passed away. Mr. Rooney is skeptical once his secretary Grace informs him that she is seen with Ferris quite a bit. Just as Mr. Rooney is about to contact Mr. Peterson to confirm, “Mr. Peterson” calls Rooney. Rooney isn’t buying into it. He thinks he is talking to Ferris & wants to set a trap. Rooney starts talking in a way that a principal would never talk to a parent. His secretary thinks its hilarious. Grace answers the office phone and its Ferris! As Rooney calls “Mr. Peterson” a dip shit and requests that he roll the grandmother’s bones over to the school, Grace is jumping up and down to get him to stop. After getting his attention, she explains Ferris Bueller is on line two. I’ll admit, this scene still cracks me up. Rooney clicks over to the second phone line to hear Ferris requesting her sister pick up his assignments. Rooney clicks back over & starts to apologize profusely over the phone. We then cut to the Bueller kitchen to see Cameron is the one impersonating Mr. Peterson on the phone. On the other end Rooney is frazzled and instructing Grace to get Sloan ready for dismissal. “Mr. Peterson” (Cameron) tells Rooney that he wants Sloan outside by herself. Ferris thinks that sounds suspicious and gets pissy. “Mr. Peterson” (Cameron) reiterates by saying that he wants him outside with her. Ferris gets pissy again and girl slaps the phone out of his hand. Then, before hanging up the phone, Ferris gives Cameron a boot in the ass. Things just keep adding up. About 30 minutes in we have established that Ferris is both emotionally and physically abusive when he doesn’t get his way. Ferris would then apologize. Cameron falls for it. If he treats his friend this way, I wonder what he would do to Sloan if they ever got married.

They now need to pick up Sloan in front of the school. Ferris explains how they need a sweet ride to look the part. They end up taking Cameron’s dads old Ferrari from the garage. Even though Cameron explains that his dad baby’s the car and knows the mileage, they take it anyway. Great idea!

pickupsloan

Ya, this disguise would totally fool me.

Sloan with Rooney stand at the top of the school steps. Ferris in a horrible disguise drives up with the Ferrari. Cameron is covered up in the back. Sloan runs down the stairs and jumps in the car. She and Ferris make out for a brief moment as Rooney watches from afar. What happened to not looking suspicious Ferris? You scold Cameron and boot him in the ass during the phone call, but you make out with Sloan in front of your principal? Rather than realize its Ferris, Rooney just speculates that they are just a family of the touchy variety. They speed off heading toward the city of Chicago. That being said, Ferris and Cameron pick up Sloan @ 9:30am

Jeannie witnesses Sloan getting picked up and isn’t happy. I’m confused. Didn’t Jeannie and Ferris have that brother and sister winking moment at the beginning of the movie? Why is she not ok with him ditching now? She must be on the rag.

Ferris and friends enter the city and drop the car off at the garage @ 10:00am. I actually fucking looked! I went on Google and calculated the distance from the school to this garage. Lord help me. Why is vodka making me productive?  The distance from the school to this garage is about 26 miles. Lets say no traffic since everyone is at work. 10:00am is doable. They hand the car over to a couple of greasy looking parking garage workers so they can go wonder the city. The two parking garage workers decide to take it for a little joy ride. Sure, why not.

Ferris’s mother comes home on break. She slightly cracks open his bedroom door to peak in on him. From what she sees, it looks like he is sleeping peacefully in bed under his covers and snoring. She isn’t very observant! Noise must travel funny in his room. Otherwise, she would have noticed that the snoring is coming from the machine to her left and not from the direction of his bed.

ferrisroom

She notices none of that!?

If she just slightly looked to her right a bit more she would see the pulley system that makes the dummy under the covers roll. That’s a lot you left to chance Ferris. Although, we all know 80’s parents in movies are dumbasses. As she shuts the bedroom door, she remembers Mr. Rooney telling her he has missed nine days. Just when we think Katie Bueller might have a brain, she cracks open the door again for one last peak. Ugh, then she closes it again and leaves!!

Ferris & Friends reach the top of Sears Tower @ 10:30am According to Google, this is a short 0.6 mile walk from the garage. You can do it in 5-6 minutes. Factor in getting to the top then chatting for a bit. They look down upon the city. An adventure awaits.

Ferris & friends arrive at the board of trade @ 11:15am . They watch people trading stalks and talk about life shit. blah blah blah This is a short 0.3 mile walk from the tower. Lets say 5 minute walk.

Ferris & friends arrive for lunch at Chez Quiz @ 12:00pm. So the interior of this French restaurant was actually filmed in Los Angeles. The exterior is actually a private residents in Chicago. Obviously, we are going with that. It’s 2.3 miles from the board of trade. Lets factor in lunchtime traffic and say they arrived at noon. Ferris takes a quick glance at the reservation list and picks a name. Unfortunately, the name he picked is the Sausage King of Chicago. The rat like looking hostess doesn’t believe him. Long story short, after some crafty phone call shenanigans involving Sloan and Cameron, they are given a table. So what about the real sausage king? (Abe Froman) Did he just not show up? After they finish eating they head back outside and spot Ferris’s dad. What a coincidence. Ferris just happened to pick the restaurant his dad goes to. Since it appears that they are also leaving, he is more lucky they didn’t bump into each other inside the restaurant. Why the hell would Ferris select this restaurant anyway? The French suck. Hell, I’m part French (Canadian) and I hate the French.

Meanwhile, Mr. Rooney still suspects something is off. He decides to steak out some hangouts in search of Ferris. I feel bad for Rooney. This is becoming an obsession. He sees a person with their back turned at an arcade machine and thought it was Ferris. Again, he opens his mouth in a way that he shouldn’t. After saying “your ass is mine,” The person turns around. Not only is it not Ferris, but its a chick. He is lucky that comment didn’t get him a punch in the face or kicked out. Remember, this is the 80’s though. Instead, he gets some soda squirted into his face. That will show him! As he is drying himself off. The Chicago Cubs game is on the television. Rooney briefly showcases his lack of sports knowledge to the pizza guy and just misses seeing Ferris on the television catching a foul ball.

Ferris & Friends catch a ballgame at Wrigley Field @2:00pm  This is a 4.1 mile drive from Chez Quiz. Lets say it will take anywhere from 10 – 15 minutes with a bit of traffic. I’m going to say they arrived late for this one. The game start time would have been 1:20pm. They ate at noon. However, with everything going on, they probably wouldn’t have made it for the start. I actually know what game this was. Is that messed up?  I also know it lasted 3:09. If only all baseball games could be that quick these days. That means this game got out around 4:09pm

doggy door

Is this a dog door or a damn window?

Mr Rooney arrives at the Bueller residence and rings the door bell. They have a fancy intercom system outside. It turns out Ferris had a pre-recorded tape rigged up to speak though the intercom if someone rings the bell. Mr. Rooney realizes this once the tape eventually loops. He snoops to the back and tries to peak in through some windows. He then tries the doggy door. I must say, that is the biggest damn doggy door I have ever seen! You could fit a human though that. Why bother locking your doors if you have this? Rooney is then greeted by the family dog and runs for his life.

Ferris & Friends look at paintings at the Art Institute of Chicago @ 4:00pm  I am going to say they didn’t stick around for the entire game. I will peg them as leaving around 3:40- 3:45pm. This is a 6.5 mile drive from Wrigley Field. Lets say, 10-15 minutes depending on traffic. The gang tries to take in some culture by looking at paintings and mocking the poses of statues. They also hold hands with a bunch of grade school kids. That’s a little weird. Stranger danger. This must have been on Sloan’s list of things she wanted to do. I can’t picture  Ferris wanting to check out a museum.

Ferris jumps on the float at the parade @4:45pm  This is only 0.2 miles from the art Institute. Lets say a 5 minute walk. It appears Sloan and  Cameron lost Ferris someplace. They are wondering around through a crowd of spectators w trying to find him. Cameron is pissing and moaning about it. Suddenly, Ferris appears on a float during the parade and lip sinks the song Danke Schoen & Twist & Shout.  Not sure why police haven’t yanked him down. Did he plan this well in advance? People are dancing in the streets and having a happy clappy fun time.

At the Bueller residence, bitch face Jeannie comes home. Is she skipping school? She barges upstairs and kicks open Ferris’s door. The dummy abruptly rises up from under the sheets. Again, why is she so mad?  With the door now unlocked, Rooney enters the house. Jeannie hears noises downstairs and thinks its Ferris. Rooney hears Jeannie approaching and thinks she is Ferris. The both jump out at each other. Jeannie freaks out and flash dance kicks Rooney in the face. He falls to the ground. In her moment of panic, Jeannie didn’t recognize the trespasser was Mr. Rooney and darts upstairs to hide.

jeannieFerris & Friends get the car at the Garage @ 5:30pm  Again, this is a short distance about 0.3 from the parade area. This is another 5 minute walk. Also, lets assume Ferris didn’t stick around for the entire parade route. He just sang those two songs & jumped off to rejoin Cameron and Sloan. They get the car back and don’t suspect anything is wrong with the car.

At the Bueller home Jeannie is upstairs on the phone with 911 and being a bitch to the dispatcher as she reports the intruder. After hanging up in frustration, she notifies the intruder (Mr Rooney) via intercom system in the kithen that she called the cops. Why hasn’t he left the property yet? He is cleaning himself up and bleeding in the kitchen. Not sure why he would hang around. He then abruptly leaves and drops his wallet. He returns to his car just in time to witness it being toed. I see so much street parking around him. Why the fuck did he park next to the only fire hydrant in sight?

As they are riding back from the city, Ferris notices the mileage on the car. Cameron flips out and goes catatonic.

Jeanie hears the doorbell and runs downstairs thinking its the police. Instead, its a sex worker dressed as a nurse with a clown and milkman? I wonder what the plan was?  Is this sexy roleplaying? Who sent them?  I am curious to know how this would have panned out if Ferris was indeed home. It’s my biggest question in the entire movie! Jeannie slams the door.

Ferris, Sloan and catatonic Cameron take a dip in the pool @ 6:15pm Lets speculate traffic was smooth coming back. Whose residence is this? Ferris starts to speculate that maybe Cameron really is “sick.” Cameron decides to let himself fall into the pool & sink to the bottom for attention. This would be a horrible move if Sloan wasn’t around. If not, he would probably let Cameron drown. Ferris dives down to get him and bring him back up. It turns out, Cameron was just screwing around.

We now cut to the Police station where Jeannie is waiting for her mother. Sitting next to her is Charlie Sheen who looks like…well.. Charlie Sheen. That could be makeup he is wearing. Although, they really might have used him for this scene the night after he went on a drug bender. Anyway, after telling Jeannie that she looks like a whore, Jeannie has a heart to heart with the junkie about Ferris.

Charlie-Sheen-Ferris-Buellers-Day-Off-

Did they use makeup to make him look drugged out? Maybe not folks.

Ferris and friends are trying to reverse the miles off of the Ferrari @7:00pm.  The car is raised off the ground spining in reverse as the wheels spin in reverse. It’s not working. Was this something that could actually work back in the day? Cameron starts on a rant about how his dad is a neglectful dick and starts kicking the car. It eventually falls off whatever was keeping it elevated and goes out the window and plunges to the ground. With the car destroyed, Ferris offers to take the blame. Wow, Ferris would you actually do that? Nope, Cameron doesn’t give a fuck and wants to own up to it. Ferris barely objects to that idea.

Apparently Jeannie is into junkies cause she is making out with Charlie Sheen on the bench at the police station. Her mother needs to nearly pull her away from him.

Ferris realizes he needs to run home and kisses Sloan goodbye@ 7:30pm.  As he runs off, Sloan mutters to herself. “He’s going to marry me.” Teenage love is wonderfully delusional isn’t it? Lets see, he is a senior. She is a junior. More than likely he will go off to college start banging other girls and forget about her after a semester. Ok, semester and a half at THE MOST!

As Jeannie is driving home with her mother in the passenger seat. She abruptly stops as she almost hits Ferris with the car. He just happens to be running across the street at that very moment. While the mother is fumbling around in the car. Jeannie and Ferris look at each other and the race to get home first is on! It’s a bit stupid. If she wanted to get Ferris busted, she could have just told the mother to look up. She would then see her own son standing in plane sight in front of the car. That’s boring though. Then we wouldn’t have this cool scene. Jeannie starts driving like a manic. Ferris is running like a manic as he cuts through backyards and houses. At one point he is runs alongside his dad driving home from work. Ferris takes a trampoline jump and lands in his backyard. Dad, mom and Jeannie arrive in the driveway. Jeannie rushes into the house. Mom and Dad talk in the driveway for a bit about how she just picked up Jeannie at the police station.

In the backyard, Mr. Rooney finally catches Ferris at the backdoor. Just as it looks like the gig is up for Ferris, Jeannie opens the door and saves him. She tells Ferris to hurry upstairs and get in bed. She tells Mr. Rooney that Ferris walked home from the hospital. Just when you think Mr. Rooney would dispute this or ask to talk to the parents. Jeannie raises the wallet that Mr. Rooney dropped on the kitchen floor. Ya, I don’t think its worth admitting to parents that you illegally entered their home just to bust their teenage son over his attendence record. Do you? After all that, why did Jeannie decide to help her brother escape Rooney? Was it one of those common enemy things? When she found the wallet, maybe she decided screwing Rooney over was the better option since he did unlawfully enter the house earlier and scare the shit out of her.

Ferris bolts upstairs and jumps into bed@ 7:45ish  The parents must be having a long conversation in that driveway. Maybe they were questioning the flower arrangements left at the door. Ferris jumps in his bed & beats his parents by a second. -The End- Now everyone can sing Day Bow Bow.

So, is this nutty adventure possible? Yes, technically it is. Sunset in Chicago during that time of year is around 8:20pm’ish. They would still have daylight at 7:45ish. I’m not saying you would be able to pull this off comfortably. You would need to cut some corners and catch some lucky breaks. So while possible, it is very very unlikely. He also must have an idea of his parents work schedule. If so, why is his dad working so late? Is he banging his secretary. Also, what if his mom closed the deal with the Vermont people!? Would she have been home earlier if she didn’t need to get Jeannie!? AHHHHHHHH! Ok, I’ve put too much time and thought into this. I’m done!

Overall Score 7/10

Pros

+ A combo of every teens stupid High School fantasies coming true.

Cons

– Ferris is a dick & a part of me wants him to get caught.

-No real villain. Mr. Rooney is just trying to do his job.

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