Man Raises Waste Basket Aim To .393 Average

(Boston, Ma.) – A 28-year-old Boston man managed to raise his waste basket jump shot aim to a career high .393 over this past weekend. Mark Witherspoon, 28, of Charlestown, sank four of six apple cores and two of three beer cans, into the small wire mesh Staples-brand waste basket, to reach this new high.

The Bunker Hill Community College drop-out says this is just the beginning. “I’m on a hot streak right now. I should be in the .400’s soon and hope to eventually reach .500” Witherspoon attributes the improvement to his decreased alcohol consumption since leaving school.  “I used to be loaded all the time and was rushing my shots. I wouldn’t set up properly, would shoot from anywhere, totally off-balance. Lot of air cans.”

The greasy stains over the waste basket, however  –where previous projectiles hit the wall– stand as a stark reminder of how far he’s come. “Yeah, I hit the wall with a lot of apple cores. But the real damage was from chicken wings with hot sauce. I’d be watching a game and wouldn’t want to get up. I once lost a security deposit because of this. I still shoot wings, but try to stand up and really focus.”

Witherspoon’s roommates have expressed relief at the improvement. “I swear to God, if he starts missing again, I’m going to fuck him up” says one young man, who refused to be identified. “I also think the new average is bullshit. He’s been counting dunks.”

With a confident air, Witherspoon replied: “I counted a couple of dunks because they were not easy. There was a slice of pizza on the kitchen floor that I could have slipped on. And about the damage, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m really on my game now. I truly feel like this is a new beginning. I’m also going to start looking for a job soon, once the NBA playoffs are over.”

Witherspoon’s parents, two successful local physicians, declined to comment.

-Vince Voltage

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