Packie Posts

Chick Flick Prep Sheet: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

Let’s face it, guys: you owe her a chick flick once in awhile.  You recently dragged her to Creed and The Hateful Eight, and in the more distant past put her through Godzilla and a couple of The Fast and the Furious flicks. Unless you’re cool with being a total asshole, you pretty much have to go along to a movie of her choice here and there. It’s what separates the men from the douche bags.

One current film you may get roped into is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.  Every woman in America saw and loved the first one, released back in 2002. They’ve been licking their chops for the sequel, and thus there is a dangerously high probability that you could find yourself sitting in the darkness, fully at the mercy of this PG romantic comedy.

And you had best not fuck it up. Thus, my role in the ecosystem is to prepare you. I have some tips and recommendations that can help you cope with this harsh reality.

First of all, let me put you at ease: this flick is not that bad.  No, there are no car wrecks, tits, or giant monsters, but the overall product is mildly amusing. You probably won’t be too bored,  as the plot is easy to follow, and there are a couple of good looking chicks in the film.

The downside though, is that the movie isn’t really a rib-busting, laugh-your-ass-off kind of affair. And that’s where the challenge comes in.  I saw the film this evening in the company of two women, both of whom were guffawing and letting out boisterous bursts of glee.  It was the funniest fucking thing in the world to them.  Knowing they’d be asking my opinion with intense scrutiny as soon as it was over, the fact that I wasn’t laughing out loud was going to make it hard to convince them that I didn’t totally hate it.

So what I did was wait for some amusing moments, and then faked sporadic chuckles throughout the proceedings. I made sure I did this when other people were chuckling, so as to conceal the flimsy, weedy, weakness of my mirth, which if executed in silence would have been obviously insincere.  I got in to a good rhythm, timing when they would laugh and then augmenting their higher pitched titters with my deeper baritone chuckles.  It was kind of like singing backing vocals for a powerful lead singer, putting out just enough to harmonize without attracting too much attention.

If you’re feeling insecure about this, I recommend practicing in private at home before picking her up to go to the theater. Get a good solid inhale through your nose and then, pushing from the diaphragm, force the laugh out strongly through your mouth. With a little practice you should get this down in thirty minutes or so.

Of course having a few drinks or a  joint before buying your ticket is standard procedure, but if this isn’t allowed, then you will have to do it unplugged. This is why practice is essential. If you manage your breathing properly, you can get in to a highly intuitive, Zen state, timing your chortles exquisitely, all of which will pay off in the bedroom when you get home.

Now if you simply fail at all this, don’t despair.  There are still a few cards you can play.  For example, you can pull some sort of pretentious sociological bullshit, saying that making fun of Greeks is politically incorrect, and that you couldn’t in good conscience laugh at that. Look directly in her face as you say this, even letting your eyes well up in sincerity while doing so. This is last ditch, but worth trying if you’re in a jam.

Or, ultimately, if you just can’t stomach any of this, you can man up, telling her that you couldn’t stand the whole damn thing, and that you regret not going to Batman vs. Superman.  This display of backbone could make her all gooey in short order, but is highly risky.  You really need to have done your homework, to have observed this woman over time, witnessing her arousal at your sudden putting down of the foot before.  Do not do this on an early date, especially if you haven’t gotten anything yet.

And if your suffering  is too profound, be comforted in knowing that My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is only ninety minutes long.  With a Junior Mints run and a lengthy piss break, you can also chop it up in to even smaller pieces.  Be creative!

I wish you all the best.

—Vince Voltage



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