I was originally going to call this piece Free Agency Rant Time (F.A.R.T), but if my article wreaked the piece would stink. Wocka Wocka. Badooom, Tssst.
Now that that’s out of the way we can get to it.
NFL Free Agency got underway Wednesday afternoon with a flurry of signings, trades & speculation. The folks on the NFL & 4 letter (ESP_) networks will tell you all the moves are good ones and put nice dressing & flowers on them. They can’t exactly come out and say things like, “The Lions are just a shitty franchise”. Not me. Like the kids used to say last decade, I’m keeping it real. So here’s the “Truth Ruth”(we used to say this during the Reagan years) about the 2016 free agency period thus far.
DENVER: For the second year in a row it looks like the Denver Broncos will have no real QB. Sure they won the Super Bowl, but much like the Giants in ’07 & ’11 and the Ravens in 2000 & 2012 they got their ring because their defensive front kicked ass. And yes, I’m saying Joe Flacco sucks because he does. Does completing Hail Mary’s to win games make you a good QB? No. It makes you a chooch who could barely hold Trent Dilfer’s jock. The guy’s a complete douchenozzle. Back to the Broncos.
After being the last person on earth besides Archie Manning, to realize that he sucks, Peyton Manning mercifully retired earlier this month. So what?! Right John Elway? You’ve got Brock Osweiler ready to take over. The guy’s been on the team for a few seasons, even won you some big games while Peyton was going through his HGH inventory and trying not to put his balls on trainer’s heads. Just put in the kid. NOPE. All the THC in the mile high air got to you and you yanked your future for a dying legend and that pissed off Brock. Brock bolted for Houston, saving Texans fans from another season of QB musical chairs and now you’re stuck with RGIII or Colin Kaepernick or Ryan Fitzpatrick. Trevor Siemian is still on the roster. Good luck with that. John Elway…you played yourself.
MARVIN JONES: Like many red-blooded Americans, wide receiver Marvin Jones was smart to leave Cincinnati. The Bengals are a bit of a joke franchise, Marvin Lewis is the worst head coach who somehow gets to keep his job and well, the state of Ohio kind of sucks. I’d be totally OK if we sold it to the Chinese, we owe them money anyway.
Detroit needed a replacement for Calvin Johnson who, much like Barry Sanders, retired around the age of 30 instead of sticking around to play for one of the shittiest franchises in the league. When the only thing to look forward to every season is getting whooped on Thanksgiving then your team sucks. If you ever see someone wearing a Scott Mitchell jersey feel free to sucker punch them. Jones clearly went for the money and good for him. He’s 25 and will surely enjoy finishing under .500 while having to live in one of the worst cities in North America. Aside from the money, the silver lining for Jones is that if he follows in the footsteps of recent Lions greats he’ll be done with Detroit and the NFL in 2021 with most of his 30’s still ahead of him.
The JETS: To nobody’s surprise the most over-hyped mediocre franchise in the NFL have made a lot of headlines in this year’s free agency. They inked another Bear in RB Matt Forte after realizing last season’s main man in the backfield Chris Ivory was moving to Jacksonville. Forte joins former Chicago teammate Brandon Marshall in East Rutherford to play for a team with no current quarterback. The Jets are trying to get back Ryan Fitzpatrick and as I type are also eyeing former Texan Brian Hoyer. How many turnovers did Hoyer commit in that playoff game? 10? 15?
At least the Jets were able to hold on to their back up running back Bilall Powell who will probably get a lot of carries in the second half of the season after 30 yr old Forte either begins to break down or gets into a fight with Brandon Marshall and breaks his jaw. I almost feel bad for Jets fans. At least in the days of Richard Todd & Ken O’Brien they were more lovable, laughable losers.
Miami: Rumors of Ryan Tannehill being a complete chode must be true if both their star running back and wide receiver opted to play elsewhere. One of them even going to Tennessee. Lamar Miller will now be taking hand-offs from Brock Osweiler in Houston while Rishard Matthews chose to catch passes from Marcus Mariota in Tennessee instead of Tom Brady in Foxborough.
Sure they signed defensive end Mario Williams who worked out “GREAT” in Buffalo but they lost Olivier Vernon to the Giants. Denver castoff CJ Anderson won’t exactly get the south Florida fan base pumped. New head coach Adam Gase will surely be pulling out what’s left of his hair by season’s end. Good for him it’s fashionable for a white guy to be bald, even on South Beach.