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Packie Posts

Movie Review: Eddie the Eagle

Is it possible for a man to be sexually attracted to the Olympic rings? -Steven Richard K

Fuck this movie.

Sorry. I had to get that out of my system. I’m writing that before I even saw the movie. I just saw the trailer a couple times and it pissed me off. I scored tickets to a preview screening so one might think I might think higher of a movie I’m going to see free a few weeks before hit is available to the general public.

That’s a good way to go into a movie. I don’t have an open mind. I’m prepared for this to be terrible. I predict it’s going to have some unfunny jokes. Despite all this, I predict I’m going to somehow identify with the main character and maybe I’ll shed a tear when he’s sad that a family member dies or that he succeeds at his bullshit ski jumping or something.

Oh shit, this was a real dude? For the record, when I’m about to shit on Eddie the Eagle I’m shitting on Eddie the Eagle the movie not Eddie the Eagle the man. Eddie the Eagle the man has never done anything to harm me, unlike the people who make this movie, they have tried to take advantage of me with visuals and audio.

Neat. The director was in Band of Brothers and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Can he direct though? He’s directed 2 things I’ve never heard of. The writers are new.

Sigh.

Some radio show host from a Jam’n morning was here. He took a cell phone video of people flapping “to send to producers in Hollywood.” I flapped and flipped him off, you know, to add to the fun!

Also there was a guy who made an announcement that he was there to prevent piracy and if anyone was warned 3 times for taking out their phone they would be removed from the theater. They really don’t want people to know how shitty this movie is.

Again, I went into this movie wanting to hate it. It didn’t do anything to win me over.

Falling over is funny. I gotta remember that.

He didn’t wanna fuck the milf, maybe he likes dudes!?

He went into a sauna with naked dudes and didn’t like those either. Hmm…

My theory is the character is sexually attracted to the Olympic Rings. He’s obsessed with them! Ever since he was a boy and saw an Olympic moments book he has been sexually attracted to those rings. He has posters on his wall of his childhood home. He leaves stains on the table cloth of Olympic Rings in coffee Pete’s sake. He’s not putting in all this effort for tang. He’s doing it because he wants to fell the burn of the Olympic flame when he pees!

How many times to stop think he’s ejaculated onto those rings? I wonder if him masturbating onto images of the Olympic Rings will be in the deleted scenes. We’ll have to wait to find out.

Bad CG animation when a skier takes a digger of the jump. Why did the British lady want to know how far the jump was in feet? Only stupid Americans use that bullshit system.

Sarah fucking loved this bullshit. She ate it up. Inspirational hogwash. It was like a chick meets a Disney style soulless ball-less sports film. Please don’t encourage them. Don’t watch this movie.

Extra half a point for showing images of the real dude at the end.

Eddie the Eagle is in theaters Friday.

So you don’t have to look it up the next winter Olympics are in 2018 (but you can just jerk of onto the rings like the character in the movie probably does.)

TLDR: 1.5/5. I didn’t like it. Paint by numbers sports film that felt like a rom-com minus the rom (with com that is horrible). Skip it.

Steven Richard K is the host of the Search for a Cohost podcast (www.searchforacohost.com) and a member of the sketch group Mister Bismuth. Follow Steven on Twitter@StevenRichardK.

If you’re interested in Movie Pass click here to get Steven the referral credit.

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About Steven Richard K (150 Articles)
This is a place for me to put things that I wrote.

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