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Packie Posts

Movie Review: Risen

A middle manager quits his job to follow the grateful dead. -Steven Richard K

I don’t want to see this movie. I thought about not seeing this movie and then just writing a one sentence review.

“The book was better.”

I know we’re in a world where TV actors and movie actors are basically the same now, but, I can’t take Joseph Fiennes seriously. For some reason I watched this probably not that good Sci-fi drama Flashforward and I feel like he was a douche in it. Maybe that means he’s a good actor because I still have that taste in my brain, but as far as I’m concerned, meh.

At the end of the trailer there is an email address for this film for group sales in case you want to bring your whole congregation to see this one. Oh also Easter is coming soon so they got that going on for them.

Am I going to be pissed this whole movie? Probably. Are they going to pander the whole movie to the religious audience? Probably. Is this going to be a movie at all? I hope so. Would I be seeing this alone on a Saturday night if I wasn’t being bribed by a royalty club with bonus points for seeing it this weekend? Not a chance.

Movie starts off with 40 extras playing a Roman Army conquering an army of 30 Jews. Couldn’t afford any more extras? I literally saw the crew walking on a ridge behind one of the shots. This movie had so many continuity errors. Does the audience that enjoys these films not mind?

I was surprised to see that the Romans were shy in baths. I would have assumed I was going to see some dick. No dicks. Sorry ladies and some dudes.

Did I mention there’s some pretty bad acting in this movie? I didn’t? There’s some pretty bad acting in this movie.

You might recognize the character in this film who’s name is “Yeshewa” (which I’m assuming is British for “Jesus”) as “that guy” in quite a lot of other movies. He was decent.

How come when people believe in god they aren’t afraid to die anymore? It seems like that’s the case in movies like this. Is that like when mice get toxoplasmosis?  (When mice get infected with this parasite it hypnotizes them to be fearless of cats (so the parasite will find its way back into a cat’s digestive system where it loves to spend its time (until it gets pooped out again.).).)

They stole a boat. His followers stole a boat.

They invented the “our father” prayer sitting around a campfire? I can’t wait to tell grandma!

During what can only be described as the chase scene in the movie, the people running away from the Romans are kicking up quite a bit of dust. I mean, I saw the dust, as a viewer. I wonder if the Romans would have seen the dust. I guess not. They were looking for people, not dust being kicked up in the air.

Fiennes makeup all movie is dirty. Made him look like he was just beat up in a fight for the entire movie.

“I guess we won’t be hearing from them again.” That’s supposed to be a laugh line for the believers, right?

TLDR: 1/5. NOPE.

Steven Richard K is the host of the Search for a Cohost podcast (www.searchforacohost.com) and a member of the sketch group Mister Bismuth. Follow Steven on Twitter@StevenRichardK.

If you’re interested in Movie Pass click here to get Steven the referral credit.

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About Steven Richard K (150 Articles)
This is a place for me to put things that I wrote.

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