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Worse Than Bacon Being Death Meat, WWE’s Hell in a Cell 2015!

HIAC

It was can’t miss: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker in their second Hell in a Cell match. Their battle lived up to the brutal namesake of WWE’s October event while the rest of the card fell short.

WWE Hell in a Cell Kickoff

Neville, Dolph Ziggler, & Cesaro def. Rusev, Sheamus, and “Bad News” Barrett

The WWE loves grouping international baddies together and the heels were no exception. Hopefully their tandem gains a name soon and these three stick together to bully more diminutive opposition. The heroes are watched at ringside by the galactically evil Stardust and Ascension. Despite making hardcore fans giddy for the past two years, Ziggler, Cesaro, and Neville are still in search of the right program to leap out of the mid-card and stay out.

The faces conquer the villains in quick fashion thanks to Neville’s spectacular Red Arrow; good English wrestler pins bad English wrestler.

WWE Hell in a Cell Main Card Results

Alberto Del Rio w/Zeb Colter def. John Cena (c) for the WWE United States Championship

Proving that money trumps racism, the WWE lures back Alberto Del Rio from AAA and Lucha Underground. This despite Del Rio bitterly parting ways with the WWE last year after an alleged fallout with an employee over alleged racist comments. Zeb Colter returns on a motorized scooter, embodying the personification of WWE and America not being racist anymore, to lead Del Rio to victory.

Cena goes down clean and quick to a kick in the head to shoot a TV show for Fox.

Roman Reigns def. Bray Wyatt 

The first of two Hell in a Cell matches to end their feud. Roman Reigns put on a herculean physical effort while his supermanesque persona still fails to win over a majority of adult fans. The Shield have been broken up for over a year and he still can’t seem to step out of the shadows of Seth Rollins or Dean Ambrose’s characters. Bray Wyatt continues his run as WWE’s springboard from the upper mid-card to the main event.

A strange use of kendo sticks being shoved in turnbuckles leads Roman to conquer Wyatt. Little reason remains to hold off on Roman challenging Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.

The New Day def. The Dudley Boyz for the WWE Tag Team Championships

It’s rare for a stable to be a incapable of wrongdoing on the pic or in the ring. The New Day are living that accomplishment, proving men can be tough, magical unicorns and still best legendary teams like The Dudley Boyz.

Even without their trombone-wielding cohort Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston find a way to deny Bubba Ray and Devon their tenth WWE Tag Team Title win.

Charlotte (c) def. Nikki Bella for the WWE Divas Championship

WWE: Ric Flair’s daughter defeats John Cena’s girlfriend.

Both women suffer from being too closely associated with either their father or boyfriend. The pairings undercut the so-called Divas Revolution the WWE is so desperate to brand by disallowing either competitor to be strong, talented, and three-dimensional unless they’re attached to a strong man. Charlotte forces Nikki to tap out in what should be the last match before Charlotte clashes with PCB running mate Paige or crowd favorite Sasha Banks.

Seth Rollins (c) def. “The Demon” Kane for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Despite a fun and entertaining run as Corporate Kane, his alter ego couldn’t best arguably the best WWE World Heavyweight Champion since CM Punk. Rollins has proven on the microphone, in the ring, backstage, and around the world that he deserves to be the WWE’s standard bearer.

This may mean the end of Corporate Kane, but The Demon may continue to lurk in Seth Rollins’ shadow.

Kevin Owens (c) def. Ryback for the WWE Intercontinental Championship

To help calm down the crowd before the night’s true main event, Kevin Owens pulls a serviceable performance out of the former “Cornfed Meathead” Ryback. It was interesting to watch Owens, a bully prize fighter, find ways to work around Ryback’s strength advantage.

Owens finds a way to put down Ryback with a pop-up powerbomb. Hopefully on to bigger and better things for both from this title transition feud.

Brock Lesnar def. The Undertaker

Magic. You can use this word to describe the spectacle of both combatants, the physicality with which they brutalized each other and even a ringside doctor, as well as the creepy ending.

Lesnar proves once and for all his reputation as WWE’s Conquerer is well deserved while The Undertaker finds himself captive to a weakened Wyatt Family.

WWE Hell in a Cell Grade: C

The WWE is full of surprises, as evidenced by the return of Alberto Del Rio, John Cena’s uncharacteristically quick defeat, and The Undertaker’s abduction. However, they can’t seem to pull all the right little things together for their gap filler PPVs. Onto the Survivor Series!

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