In a shocking turn of events, all of your friends still living in their parents basements and childhood bedrooms have taken time from their day of posting #feelthebern propaganda to proudly declare that Bernie Sanders has won the Democratic Debate. Collectively, they all jumped out of their beds at a brisk 11:15 am yesterday to take a bong rip and post to Facebook that Bernie DOMINATED his competitors.
“I flipped back and forth between the debate and reruns of Bob’s Burgers so I’ll tell you who won. It was definitely Bernie.” William G. of Reading, Ma. said while posting from his phone in the dry storage room of the restaurant where he works full time, two days a week bussing tables. “You could tell by the way he evaded actual questions and kept reasserting that i was gonna be rich cuz i probably already work hard enough.”
Mary R from Stoughton, Ma said, “It was probably my complete lack of understanding of socio-economic policy that qualifies me to declare that the rest of the Democratic candidates did indeed #feelthebern. I mean i didn’t actually watch the debate cuz CNN is a mega-conglomerate news thingy and they were probably editing out all his answers anyway because big media has a conspiracy to keep Bernie down, maaaaaaaaaaaaan. Big media is a sham funded by Hillary’s money stuffed iron twat. That’s why i get my news from DavesSocialistShack.com anyway. but Bernie definitely won.”
“When I found out Bernie was running, I felt like I scratched a winning lottery ticket. Mega Bernie Millions, bro. I mean, I should be able to work menial, low level paying jobs and never try to better myself and get paid more for it. You see all these hardworking Americans doing everything they can to succeed? I deserve that. Literally, give me part of their salary. And that is what Bernie Sanders is all about, so he definitely won the debate that i didn’t watch.” said Dave M. from Peabody.
“I read a meme.” says Jim W from Walpole, who despite dropping out of college 20 credits shy of a degree, has no job prospects and has amassed $115,000 in debt that he feels he shouldn’t have to pay back.
Most said they couldn’t get Bernie’s nuts in their mouths fast enough. Others cited the fact that he was thoroughly roasted on gun control and the fact that they felt compelled to make a bowl of matzo ball soup in his honor.