I have only been to one Bachelor Party in my life & it was probably the most memorable one I will ever experience, not because it was such a great time, but because it was a hilarious disaster. I call this story….
The Bachelor Party from Hell. The Tail of the Bargain Bin Strippers.
It was a regular weekday evening. I met up with an old friend of mine who I get together with once every couple months. He was telling me how he was throwing his best friend and bachelor party during the upcoming weekend. My friend explained how he was getting some strippers to show up at his own house. He invited me to tag along. I was about to decline. After all, I didn’t know his friend. I never met him a day in my life. I thought that might feel weird, but the next thing he said made me change my mind in almost an instant. I asked him where he got the strippers from. He said “I found a great deal on Craigslist” Ok, I am all for finding a bargain, but there are certain things you should shell out good money for if you want quality. This is one of them! I would kill my friend if he hired me some bargain bin strippers for my bachelor party. In the history of bad ideas this is a text book example. Horrible horrible horrible idea! I don’t think I can emphasize how bad of an idea this is. “What a great idea!” I said. I wasn’t going to pass up seeing how all this will go down. He showed me a picture on his phone of the two strippers who were coming. No doubt, they will look nothing like this photo.
That Saturday I arrive at my friend’s house in this typical looking New England beaver cleaver neighborhood. I am led downstairs to the living room which is in the basement. It looked like at one time it was a studio apartment. It had a little kitchen off to the side, a bathroom, a screen door that looked into the backyard and a door leading out into the driveway. It’s a good size and certainly big enough to accommodate stripper activities. With me was about seven other guys. They all seemed pretty cool. A fold out table was pressed up against the back wall and it was loaded with Cheetos bags, nachos and chips. I started thinking I hit a time warp and was at some middle school birthday party for a second. The soon to be married man seemed to be excited about the nights possibilities. We smoked some cigars and played some poker on the poker table that was also set up.
A few hours later we hear a knock at the side door. My friend walks across the living room and answers it. We all stay seated with anticipation. When he opens the door I am a little bit taken back at what I see. A giant muscle head guy who looks like he could rip a phone book in half with a stare is standing there. We all looked confused for a second. From what I could hear it sounded like they were discussing prices. I’m just laughing inside. I can’t wait to see how this is going to unfold. The big guy at the door then backs away from the door and gestures toward the driveway. Two strippers and the big guy enter the house with bags of clothes they need to change into and a portable radio with an I-POD dock. At first I was a little worried the guy was part of the act, but it was pretty obvious he was there handler, pimp, booking agent, whatever you want to call him. The first women was past her prime. She looked about forty-five but was probably in her mid thirties. She wasn’t bad looking until she smiled. Her teeth looked like someone took a hammer to them. The second girl was battle worn. When I say that, I mean she was young, probably mid twenties, but years of partying and drinking finally caught up to her. As a result, her face look like a used catchers mitt, but she was trying to cover it up with globs of foundation. Her face also had that glitter shit all over it. I hate that stuff! It never goes away. You will be finding spec traces of it in your place for months. They were both fake blond and dressed in jeans and tank tops. The younger stripper (Molly) asks if she can bring her dog inside. It’s a small Pomeranian and was yapping like crazy. My friend allows it. The feeling in the room wasn’t very comfortable. I’m trying not to laugh. The two girls then say they need to change and go into the bathroom. There ‘agent’ goes with them.
At this point, we are all standing in a circle and talking quietly. My friend was apologetic to his soon to be married friend and explained how they didn’t look like the picture. We then started to wonder what was taking so long in the bathroom. Nobody knew what to expect. I remember being asked what I thought. I seem to get asked this a lot in situations. “what should we do?” “what do you think?” as if I possess some magic crystal ball that can find a solution to everything. Maybe I just look responsible, but usually I am as clueless as everyone else. Anyway, I just laughed and said what I honestly thought. “ohhh we are so getting robbed. Yup, they are going to tie us up and take our shit. That’s what I think.” I was even slightly anticipating that scenario when I showed up. That’s why I made sure I only had fifty dollars in singles and took everything out of my wallet before I arrived. I wasn’t going to lose my credit card to some discount strippers and a pimp. My theory didn’t exactly help relax the room. Then finally the bathroom door opens. Out comes the two strippers. The older stripper (Karma) had an outfit on that made her look like she was on a TV show from the 1950’s. The younger one was dressed as some sort of sexy race car driver. I have no idea how they came up with these wardrobe choices. I think they were shocked some dumbass was stupid enough to book them off Craigslist and just looked for any old Halloween costume they still had stored away. The muscle head is standing in the corner of the room watching and talking on his cell phone. We had arranged the sofa and chairs into a semi circle. As they approached the center of the living room, nobody looked excited. You know its bad when a stripper asks the group. “So who is the lucky guy?” and everyone points at someone else. The strippers did there typical stripper stuff. The older one didn’t break a hip. That was a plus.
After they were done with there routine, I thought the night was over. I was wrong. After Molly was done, she asked “Hey has anyone seen my dog?” None of us had. The last time I saw that stupid fluff ball was when they were changing in the bathroom. It didn’t take long to realize the screen door was open. The dog must have escaped into the backyard. So we all went outside to look for this dog. If a neighbor looked out the window it must have been quite a sight. You would have seen someone who looked like they belonged on I love Lucy, a slutty version of race car driver Danica Patrick, a steroid freak and seven guys combing through bushes. We looked for about forty five minutes and found nothing. Eventually, the steroid freak started getting testy and started yelling that they need to go because they have another appointment. Karma followed him back into the house and out through the door. Molly continued to search the backyard. After a couple of minutes the big guy came into the backyard again and told her they needed to go. Molly was very upset. Tears were in her eyes. She didn’t want to leave without her dog. She followed him out to the driveway, but became resistant. She explained to him she needed to find her dog. This guy wasn’t happy. At this point we all ran upstairs and watched the argument between both of them in the driveway. Karma sat quietly in the back of the SUV and didn’t really express much emotion. She was like some type of stripper bot that was powered down. Eventually, her ‘pimp’ gave up and said “Fine you aren’t going to get shit tonight!” He then got in his SUV, backed out of the driveway and drove off, leaving her in tears on my friends driveway. She watched the SUV speed away and then turned back toward the house. My friend in a loud whisper then said “quick! draw the blinds and kill the lights!” We did just that and hit the ground like were were anticipating a drive by shooting or hiding from a Jehovah witness. However, this wasn’t going to accomplish much. What did he think this would do? Did he think she was some creature in the wild & if we just stayed very still she would go away because she couldn’t detect any movement? That plan didn’t exactly work. Shortly after, she started knocking on the door and saying “help me please. I need to find my dog and get home. Please help me.” Obviously, we opened the door and let her back in. After looking for another half hour we still couldn’t find the stupid dog. Molly contacted her roommate to pick her up. She was very upset. She handed us her number and asked us to give her a call if the dog turned up. Shortly after she left, one of the guys went to use the bathroom. After a couple of seconds we heard a scream and didn’t know what the hell was going on. Apparently, the dog decided to take a nap in the little hamper inside the bathroom closet and had just woken up. It scared the hell out of the guy.
We immediately tried calling Molly, but it kept going straight to voice mail. This was starting to get annoying. We really didn’t want to deal with this dog or the stripper again. For a minute we thought “well if she thinks the dog got loose we could just open the door and let it go.” We couldn’t in good conscience do it though. So we left her a voice mail. It took her a frigin hour to call us back. She was home now, but couldn’t make it back over tonight. She lived about an hour away. She asked if we could hold onto the dog until tomorrow afternoon. My friend wouldn’t allow it. He didn’t feel like explaining the situation to his girlfriend who lives with him. His girlfriend was away for a couple days and returning tomorrow. She was the insecure type and would in no way allow strippers at his place. This dog had to leave tonight! So the only option we had was to drive an hour to drop off the dog at the strippers apartment. Four of us went, myself included. When we dropped the dog off she thanked us and offered to give us a discount if we ever wanted her services again…Umm ya I think I was all set. – The End –
-Adam Mallett Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/whirlwindreport