Packie Posts

My Dating Horror Stories Volume 4 of 4


There is nothing more of a turn on to me than when a woman has a sexy moan. It’s almost a sure sign (unless of course it’s being faked) you are doing something that feels good. However, I never thought something that I find so attractive could turn against me so badly. This dating horror story I actually feel bad about. I call this story….

It sounded like a….well more like a…..ok I have no idea what the hell that sounds like!

My date and I had just gotten out of a movie. I had parked at the opposite end of the parking lot and she offered to give me a ride to my car. She pulls into the empty spot next to my car. I lean in to kiss her good night. The next thing I know we are making out like a couple of teenagers. After a couple moments I tilt her head to the side and gently start kissing her neck. Everything sounds great! What could possibly go wrong?! Well, if you have been reading all my stories so far then you would know this is probably the turning point. What happened next I certainly didn’t expect. She let out a moan or something that slightly resembles a moan. It sounded weird and wasn’t the usual sound you would hear coming from someones mouth in a moment of excitement. It sounded so weird that it actually made me stop doing what I was doing. I pull back a bit and just continue to kiss her lips. After a few more minutes I go back to what I was doing before and the same thing happened! I was trying not to laugh. I remember being so perplexed and turned off by this noise. All I could think was “What the hell kind of noise is this!?” Before you brand me a total asshole, let me just tell you I can’t think of anything in nature that can mimic this sound! I have never heard anything like this before!

Over the years I have thought long and hard about what it sounded like. I have told this story to friends. You should see my facial expression when I’m asked “well what did it sound like” The closest thing I can come up with is some type of whale call mixed with the humming of a generator. Or maybe it sounded more like some type of animal hybrid mating call? I have no clue, but I could never get past that noise she would make. She was a great person, but this noise would just shut me down and was an instant turn off. I dated her a few more times after this and every time this would happen. Once I actually let out a laugh and she asked me “what’s up?” I had to think fast. “ummm oh I was just thinking of something funny that happened at work today.” Her response to that was “Your thinking of work right now?” DAMNT! hahaha

I’m usually pretty good at addressing certain situations when I need to. However, in this case I was clueless. I had nothing in my Adam memory bank to combat this dilemma. Who the hell ever thought about dealing with this kind of scenario? How do you bring up something like that? “Hey, umm oh by the way your moan is so distractingly horrible that it prevents me from being turned on. Can we invest in some duct tape?”

Furthermore, I have no idea how anyone can deal with having a partner that has a horrible  sex moan to begin with. My apartment walls are so thin that I can hear my neighbors sometimes. There is nothing sexy about her moan. He must tune her out or put his mind in another place. Maybe he has ear plugs or is thinking of what groceries he needs at the store. She sounds like a man with her smoker voice. I can barely tell if it’s him or her grunting. Ohh the nightmares! Good for him though. He is able to get past something that I can’t.

As I said before, I felt bad ending something with a great person over something that seems so petty. I just couldn’t get past it though. Everything ended on good terms and we kept in touch for a while. Years later she was engaged and I ran into her and her fiance in the North End. When she introduced me I shook his hand and said your usual “nice to meet you” stuff but on the inside I’m battling for my life and trying to keep myself from laughing ridiculously hard. I really wanted to whisper something in his ear like “how do you manage?” Thinking he would know exactly what I’m talking about. I stuck around for a bit and we all had a drink or two together. At one point she went to the bathroom and he and I were left chatting. I’m glad I only had two drinks at that point. I was so tempted to ask him about “noises” I didn’t though, but if I was on my forth rum and coke who knows what might have come out of my mouth.  -The End

If you haven’t read  1-3 of my horror stories I have posted the links below. I hope you enjoyed my stories and I brought a smile to your face. I am sure many of you have had horrible date experiences, but like I always say “It really sucks at the moment, but at least you got a good story out of it.”


-Adam Mallett

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About whirlwind (262 Articles)
Movie Reviews and non P.C. takes on ridiculous stories from around the world.

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