Dating can be an adventure. Sometimes a date puts you in unexpected places and situations that are uncomfortable, but looking back it makes a great story. I hope you enjoy my stories and horrible punctuation as I tell them. I call this next story….
Never Trust a Women who has an Ass Trophy.
I am seeing a pattern when it comes to meeting up at a bar or lounge. So I decide to meet up at this restaurant with this bartender who I had been seeing. It was our third date. The first two were normal. Nothing crazy happened on those. When I arrive I notice she knows the bartender at this place and it turns out she is a regular. I will admit, I like when a women has a few drinks. I don’t want her to get wasted, but after just a couple drinks I feel like a persons guard drops a bit and it gives you a chance to know the real them. Sometimes, it can take a couple months to figure out if someone is crazy, but with a little bit of boozing you can find out sooner rather than later. It’s always been a good way for me to tell early on if a woman is bat shit crazy. Well, she was beyond just having a couple drinks though and drinking like a fish.(Great start right?) Our conversation was all over the place. I can’t remember much about what we talked about. All I remember is the events leading up to what happened.
At one point she asked me what I thought of her breasts and how she wanted implants. It wasn’t enough for her to ask my opinion. She took it a step further and decided to whip out one of her boobs at the bar and asked me what I thought. The bartender and I were like “what the fuck are you doing?” after she tucked the twin away, it was starting to get late. She explains to me her car is in the shop and she is driving her moms car but needs to drive it back to where her mom works and then wait for her mom to get off shift and she will take her back to her apartment. It turns out her mom is a part time bartender and works very close by. I said I would follow her with my car to the bar to make sure she got there safe.
We arrive at her moms job. Just like my previous story, this is where the night should have ended, instead she invites me into this bar for a drink. I go into this dive bar and meet her mom. She had to be in her late forties/early fifties. She serves me a beer on the house. Her moms boyfriend was there also. He looked around the same age. It was a weird situation but the conversation was good so I didn’t mind. Well, you know how quickly one drink can become two and so on. I was drunk but she was smashed. I was about to leave but then the next thing I said would eventually lead me into total weirdness. I said “hey if you don’t want to wait for your mom to get off shift I can just drop you off at your apartment.” (words I would later regret) We arrive at her place. I will admit, she was ridiculously hot. I’m not going to lie. In fact, I won’t lie about any of these stories. It’s the past and none of us are squeaky clean. Anyway, my mind was in the gutter. Damn you alcohol!
We go into her place. She shows me a trophy in her room that she won for having the best ass. I didn’t know such a competition existed. Who knows though, you can have a trophy made for anything these days. Maybe she has self-esteem issues and decided to get the trophy made for herself. While we are in her room, I hear her apartment door open. She explains that it’s just her roommate. A couple minutes later I had to go to the bathroom. It’s at this point I come face to face with her roommate. It’s her moms boyfriend!? He is like “Hey man. Are you having fun?” as we pass in the hallway. What the hell? I am very confused.I am even more confused as I walk into the bathroom and just sitting on top of the toilet is a thick stack of porno magazines. I come back from the bathroom and address the situation that happened in the hallway. This is where she tells me her roommate is her moms boyfriend. That sounded really odd to me. Let that sink in for a moment people. She doesn’t live with her mom and her moms boyfriend. She lives with just her moms boyfriend. So we start making out. I also notice she has a very interesting porn DVD collection that is nonchalantly sitting in her entertainment center. She even changed into some sexy lingerie and wanted to watch porn. As hot as this all was and almost a typical male fantasy, I couldn’t get it out of my head that she lived with her moms boyfriend & not to mention the porn in the bathroom. What the hell is that all about? To make things more odd, she left the bedroom for a minute dressed in her see through lingerie to go speak with him. That’s totally normal right? I’m sure many females in there twenties live with there moms boyfriends, parade around practically naked in front of them and have porno magazines stacked in the bathroom. I’m all for sexual openness but this just seemed a little “off” to me. It was then my drunk brain went into freak out mode and started thinking “Shit! Is she going to ask me if he can join in!? Hell no! I need to get the fuck out of hear!” For a brief moment, I think I grew wings that night. I was gone! To this day I still have no idea what would have happened, but something definitely wasn’t right about that situation.
– Adam Mallett
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