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Packie Posts

My Drunk Sports Movie Review of Rocky IV (The one with the Russian!)

rocky

It’s another boring night for me and I am in no mood to listen to bitchy little teenagers while playing Call of Duty. So I figured I would throw in the movie I wanted to watch last time I did this and watch Rocky IV, while cracking open some drinks and getting shit faced in the process, while at the same time writing a review/synopsis/my observations about it. Rocky IV hear I come! A film about music montages, driving Lamborghini’s, robots & America! Fuck ya!

Drinks 1-3 Jack and Coke

We start with Rocky and Apollo at the height of there bromance. They are having a fun cute little scrimmage in the ring. Apollo mutters something stupid like “You fight great but I’m a great fighter” (rolls eyes) Shut up Apollo! Rocky comes home with a black eye from his Apollo fun time and is greeted by his son who is trying to be cute and pointing a giant 80’s style video camera and bright light in Rocky’s face. I hope he gets back inside and charges that thing soon. I think the battery life on those was what? 15-minutes? Not to mention the weight of the stupid thing on your shoulder. I don’t mind this kid compared to the twirp (his real son) in the fifth movie though.

It’s uncle Paulie’s birthday. Just as Paulie is about to blowout the candles, Rocky’s little shit of a child pulled out a fire extinguisher and extinguished the candles. What a little asshole! Not only would he have just stolen my chance of making a birthday wish but now the cake is ruined. I would demand a new cake. Rocky just laughs. As usual, great lesson to teach your kid Rocko. I’ll give Rocky credit though, his gift to Paulie is awesome. A giant robot with huge bug eyes. It walks (well sorta rolls) It talks. It has a radio and a phone attached to it. I always wanted a robot like this and tech nerds always said stupid shit like ” Robots like that will be common in households by the 2000’s” pfffft! HA! They also said we would have a base on the moon by 1967. What the hell happened to all this cool stuff we should have by now?! I want my robot! Anyway, Paulie seems horrified as the robot wishes Paulie a happy birthday in it’s robotic voice.

Apollo is relaxing in his pool with his dogs and playing fetch with them. He looks up at the TV, which is sitting dangerously close to the pool. I always thought if one of his dogs starts to feel a little rambunctious and runs over knocking that television into the pool it’s bye bye Apollo. Anyway, a news report about a Soviet boxer who is coming to America catches his attention. Apollo pays a visit to the Balboa compound and expresses his desire to challenge the Russian ( Ivan Drago) to a fight. In the middle of his rant at the dinner table, the robot rolls into the room and greets Paulie with a sexy female voice. I guess Rocky bought the pleasure model. Apollo looks horrified. Rocky and Apollo pop in the video of them fighting and reminisce on old times. Apollo snaps at Rocky because Rocky basically tells Apollo in a nice way that he is to old. However, he gets Rocky’s blessing.

At the press conference to announce the fight Apollo and his team sit along side the Russian and his team. This includes Brigitte Nielsen who today still has the same haircut but her face looks like it took a couple punches from Drago himself and never recovered. Some ego tempers flair.

Just like that we fast forward to the exhibition fight in Vegas. Rocky tells Apollo he should postpone the fight. I think it’s a little late for this kind of feedback Rocky! Apollo enters the ring after a flashy pro America intro by James Brown. After a single round Apollo looks like he was hit by a bus but tells Rocky not to throw in the towel. “No matter what” In round two, Apollo gets handed another beating. Rocky comes close to throwing in the towel but like an asshole he doesn’t. I understand Apollo is the type who would rather die doing something he loves, but um dude what about your wife? Do you love her? You selfish prick. I guess she doesn’t matter. Maybe letting himself get killed in the ring was a ploy to get away from her? Apollo hits the ground harder than Farah Abraham’s face being pressed into a mattress. He starts twitching and everybody runs to Apollo in the center of the ring. A reporter says “He looks like he is in serious condition” gee ya think!? Rocky cuddles Apollo one last time while Drago gives his commie victory speech. Apollo’s wife should beat the hell out of Rocky for not throwing in that damn towel. At Apollo’s funeral Rocky gives a heart warming speech where he says “You always did everything the way you wanted it. And, I didn’t understand that, but now I understand” You mean you didn’t understand he was a selfish, stubborn jackass? Ok thanks for clearing that up for me.;)

Drinks 4-5 Captain and Coke

We are now at a new press conference. Rocky decides he wants to avenge Apollo’s death. Christmas day in Russia bitches! Like the great husband he is, Rocky didn’t tell his wife he decided to fight Drago. She finds out as she is returning home from shopping and spending Rocky’s money. The media asks her a bunch of questions in her driveway. She has no idea what the hell they are talking about. Rocky comes home that night. He probably spent most of the day with his mistress. He and Adrian have a conversation on the staircase in the dark. Put on some freakin lights! Adrian tells Rocky he can’t win. Rocky feels hurt by Adrian’s comment. When a man feels down there is only one thing he can do! Go back out and drive off in your Lambo for a music montage! What follows next are clips of Rocky and Apollo’s greatest bromance moments, including the homo erotic moments of them playing in the ocean and splashing each other. I wonder if there was a bubble bath and candle light dinner flashback cut from this montage.

Rocky, Paulie and that black trainer guy (Duke) land in Russia. They are greeted at a cold snowy runway by a bunch of Soviet military who look more like Americans dressed as Soviets. (they probably are) Team Rocky gets brought to an old cabin in the middle of nowhere. It’s what Rocky requested apparently. Paulie isn’t happy with the arrangement. They also have two chaperones following them in a car because we all know in the middle of nowhere Rocky could be a liability and spread Democracy. We can’t have that!

Another music montage starts. Rocky is training for the big fight. Of course, Rocky can’t train with modern equipment. He needs to be cool and rustic as he runs around the cold Russian countryside helping peasants out of the snow, cutting up logs, lifting heavy rocks, cutting down trees, climbing mountains. Meanwhile, at camp Drago we see a more comfy, modern (at the time) training facility. We see Drago has a 2150 PSI punch, which equals a force of about four tons! That’s totally believable right!? They go back and forth between showing his workout vs Rocky’s workout. Wow! it’s the new ways vs the old ways. I get it! This is so deep and thought provoking. :-/ Adrian shows up at the cabin to support Rocky. If I was Rocky I would be happy for her support, but one question I would have is “who is watching our kid!?” Congratulations Adrian on leaving your child at home with a couple other loser kids and a robot to take care of him. Nothing can go wrong with that! That thing can’t even get up a flight of stairs! Adrian’s arrival leads to another training montage. I swear this movie would only be about an hour if it wasn’t for all the damn music montages. At least this movie has a couple different songs. I think “Top Gun” just plays “danger zone” about a million times.

Drinks 6-7 Miller Light tall boys

Rocky is prepared and ready to go. He enters the boxing ring to a crowd of boos. Drago enters and the place goes bonkers. During there commie anthem, they raise a giant banner with Drago on it. It’s total badass. Drago keeps glancing back at Rocky like he wants to eat him for dinner. The Soviet Politburo watches from a booth up in the stands and makes themselves look important by pointing at random things below. The fight starts. Rocky gets his ass handed to him in the first round, but at least we know his head won’t explode open from taking a four ton punch in the face.(rolls eyes) In the second round Rocky manages to cut the Russian. Over the course of the twelve round fight the crowd starts to change and become pro Rocky as he takes punch after punch. We also see a few clips of his kid watching from home with a couple of his friends and the nanny/pleasure bot. Rocky beats Drago in the final round. He then delivers his happy clappy unicorn “If I can change, and you can change, then everybody can change” speech. Everyone applauds. I am willing to bet though that the translater in the ring translated something totally different though, since nobody in the crowd laughed at how corny that was. The Soviet General Secretary stands and starts clapping. His cronies join in. As a result, we win the cold war. The next day Drago gets put before a firing squad and executed for losing – THE END

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Adam Mallett – https://www.facebook.com/AdamMallett29

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